Something of an important announcement

>> Thursday, March 13, 2008

I've made a very important decision today, which I thought I would share with all of you. I am going to pull up stakes, leave this job behind, and go to California. Hollywood, as a matter of fact. And there, I'm going to direct big-budget summer blockbusters, you know, Michael Bay-style stuff. I'll be starting with something that costs at least 40-million dollars, minimum.

The reason I'm going to do this is that I'm exceptionally well-qualified. Steven Spielberg and I are the two most-qualified people in the world, as a matter of fact. You see, in the summer of 1996, I was an office production assistant on a low-budget Stephen King movie that was made in Wilmington, NC called The Night Flier. This was a movie based on a short story about a vampire who flies around in a Cessna munching on people at small airfields. I believe that I am better positioned based on my experience to go toe-to-toe with Steven Spielberg during critical Memorial Day opening weekends that can make or break Hollywood blockbusters.

You know, it's interesting that I have to write this blog entry, but I don't mind. Some nitpickers might suggest that my duties as a production assistant were largely confined to answering the phone, running out to Office Depot for copier paper, and picking up lunch. What they would fail to recognize is that when I went to Wilmington, there was no movie. That's verifiable and easily confirmed. When I arrived, the entire production office was closed and nobody could get in or out, and filming hadn't even started. And when I left Wilmington, main production was complete. No, I wasn't at "the center of the floor," but I was part of a team, the team that made The Night Flier happen. There are nitpickers out there, but no matter how you pick at the nits, the substantive fact remains that I worked on a movie and the movie was finished. I understand a few people even saw it. I wasn't on the set every day, but the role I played was instrumental.

I would also take a moment to point out (because I don't have anyone to point it out for me at the moment) that the thing we're not talking about, the elephant in the room, is that Peter Jackson would not be where he is today if he wasn't from New Zealand. I'm not saying anything that we don't all know is true. Peter Jackson fans may try to discriminate against me because I'm an American. Let's not forget that Americans have had it extremely hard in this world. As to whether or not I believe Mr. Jackson is a Scientologist, why would I believe that? There's nothing to base that on. As far as I know.

Thank you for your continued support, and I look forward to making spectacular popcorn flicks for you to enjoy in a cool, darkened theater on a hot July afternoon. Or even on DVD, if you'd rather wait to rent them.

8 comments:

Nathan Thursday, March 13, 2008 at 2:32:00 PM EDT  

The 'assholes' and 'politics' tags hint that you might be taking a somewhat sarcastic bent here. I'm digging and trying to figure out which hack has thrown their hat in the ring since last we spoke and gotten your dander up.

Am I at least on the right track? Or are you, in fact, headed to tinseltown?

Eric Thursday, March 13, 2008 at 3:39:00 PM EDT  

Sarcastic? Me? Never!

Let's just say, shall we, that a certain prominent individual was interviewed by NPR this morning, and that her responses to certain questions about her role in certain significant events inspired me to reconsider my own experience as someone who was "part of the team."

And if there was any sarcasm, if, as might be inferred from my choice of tags, let me apologize insofar as I have made every effort to be magnanimous to this particular individual in the past and to keep the big picture in view, only to find myself reminded of certain disagreeable... quirks, let us say. I certainly wouldn't use the word "monster" in any case, I don't think. Probably not, anyway.

But it's a big "if." Say, you're in film: do you know of any epic extravaganzas in search of a qualified director like myself? I can direct blockbusters at all hours.

Even three a.m....

What? I said I wasn't being sarcastic. It's juuust a speech impediment.

Eric Thursday, March 13, 2008 at 4:01:00 PM EDT  

Oh look, I dropped something. Curse these clumsy hands of mine. Now, what were we talking about? Oh yes, movies! I should add that I would consider directing a twenty-million dollar movie if it features Natalie Portman. Perhaps doing a nude scene. Something tasteful and artistic, you know, like 9½ weeks.

Nathan Thursday, March 13, 2008 at 4:57:00 PM EDT  

Well, you've convinced me Eric. I'm gonna call every producer I know that you're available. And like a certain person on NPR this morning, I have a feeling you'll still be available, come January 20th.

Both of you are so persecuted.

And in the same vein, she really is starting to sound a bit dilussional lately.

Nathan Thursday, March 13, 2008 at 7:05:00 PM EDT  

Eric,

Sorry to go OT, but I'd be really interested in hearing your take on Jeri's post today over on Smug Puppies. It's linked over at my place if you don't have the url.

rbird Thursday, March 13, 2008 at 9:51:00 PM EDT  

i don't know...

lately i've been torn.

while i do know what you are getting at, i do think she is qualified...and i do think that she has worked hard to get where she is. she is, after all, the woman who refused to quit her "day job" in a law firm just because she became the first lady of arkansas.

and yes, i am torn because she is a woman and goddamnit, i want to see a woman president of the united states.

i can sympathize with the person who said, "i voted for barack, and i felt like i was cheating on hillary."

Eric Thursday, March 13, 2008 at 11:18:00 PM EDT  

I've said before that she's qualified. She's a supremely intelligent, experienced and capable person. That's one reason I wish she'd stop being an asshole.

While Ms. Clinton is experienced, so is Mr. Obama. And neither one of them is more experienced than Mr. McCain--if general experience (as opposed to specific experience in a law firm--Clinton--or teaching law--Obama) is the deciding factor, McCain has them both beat. It's not smart for Clinton to make arguments against Obama that McCain will be able to turn against either one of them come November. (Indeed, it's doubly devastating for Clinton if she's the nominee, since she'll get to look inexperienced and hypocritical.)

I don't care if she goes after Obama: I expect her to. And as annoyed as I am by the Clinton position on Florida/Michigan, it's not hard for me to remind myself that Obama would almost certainly be making the same argument if the shoe was on the other foot. (That having been said, Clinton should have withdrawn her name from the Michigan ballot and the votes from Florida and Michigan shouldn't be counted at this time--the rules were clear, the Republicans and Democrats warned both states there would be sanctions, and those sanctions should be enforced. I'm a gamer and a lawyer: we hate cheaters, especially bad ones who whine when they're busted.)

But I want her to go after Obama by contrasting the positives she can offer, not by reminding me of why I came to dislike her husband so damn much. Not because he slept around--I could care less--but because he was a double-talking, dirty-playing lout with a tendency to whine when he wasn't winning. I always thought Ms. Clinton was the classier better half of that pair; regrettably, she's made a good case I was wrong about that.

Anonymous,  Sunday, March 16, 2008 at 8:58:00 PM EDT  

i agree with you totally. i wish all of it was based on real merit instead of, "now the fun begins," (as clinton apparently said).

i wish i understood our freakin' electoral system. i did really well in social studies...so much so that my 8th grade teach, mr. danaldson, gave me a copy of "people's guide to the the history of the united states." and i still don't understand...i mean, super delegates...what the hell? and someone told me tonight that hillary knows she is going to lose, but she is fighting to the death so she can fight mccain in 2012 what?

-r*bird

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