And then the story began to get really interesting...

>> Sunday, August 17, 2008

Right, so first the story was that a woman named Bernann McKinney had spent fifty grand to make five clones of her favorite pit bull, "Booger," which frankly didn't seem like something worth that much commentary: crazy lady clones pit bull, okay, whatever. Some people, you know, have more money than sense. And while there certainly is a technical achievement in cloning animals, the other part of the story was that a woman decided to bypass all the abandoned animals in shelters and cute puppies given up in neighborhood adoptions in favor of spending a helluva lot of money in an attempt to Xerox a dead pet.

So, you know, it was sort of interesting from a geek/tech standpoint and sort of disgusting from just about every other standpoint, so I didn't bother throwing out a comment.

Then the story began to get a little interesting.

You see, turns out that Ms. Bernann McKinney is the same person as Joyce McKinney, a woman who stalked and kidnapped a Mormon missionary in 1977, for the purpose of chaining him to a bed so she could repeatedly have sex with him.

No, you read that correctly the first time.

Seems Ms. McKinney, a former Miss Wyoming, became obsessed with the young Mormon and decided to have her way with him. So she tracked him to England, abducted him, chained him to the bed, and... well....

For her part, Ms. McKinney always claimed everything was consensual.

For his part, the gentleman said, "I didn't wish it to happen. I was extremely depressed and upset after being forced to have sex."

(Well, you know, he's a Mormon. They wear special underwear and stuff. No, I'm not saying I believe him... look, I'm just quoting him, okay? That's what he said.)

In 1979, Ms. McKinney jumped bail and fled Britain, resurfacing here and there over the next few years.

International Sex Fugitive Clones Puppies. Now, even I have to admit that was a much more interesting subject of discussion. And yet I still wasn't going to discuss it here. I mean, yes, it has science and beauty queens and kink and ridiculous excess, but it's still pretty much a story about a crazy woman who sells her house and travels to South Korea to clone a dead pup, when she pretty much could have just driven down to the pound and paid a vaccination fee.

And then the story began to get really interesting. No, seriously.

It seems that Ms. McKinney, who raped a Mormon, fled from justice, popped up again to clone a pooch, it seems she wasn't completely inactive in the meantime. It appears that she also is wanted by authorities in Tennessee for planning a burglary intended to procure the money to purchase a false leg for her horse.

No, you read that correctly the first time, too.

It seems Ms. McKinney had a three-legged horse. (I want you to know that I am having extreme difficulty typing this.) Which she loved. (Being loved by Ms. McKinney appears to be a pretty remarkable thing, considering the lengths she goes to for her loved ones.) So she talked a 15 year-old boy into breaking into a house for her, so she could get some money. To purchase a prosthetic leg. For the aforementioned three-legged horse.

I give up.

So, here you go: Puppy-Cloning International Sex Fugitive With Three-Legged Horse Wanted In Tennessee. Happy now? Let's see how long we have to wait until I update this with yet another bizarre addition to the ever-growing headline.

17 comments:

WSB,  Sunday, August 17, 2008 at 9:46:00 AM EDT  

very irksome ideed. irk irk irk.

Nathan Sunday, August 17, 2008 at 10:11:00 AM EDT  

It's also a well known fact that she's made lame excuses to get out of jury duty.

Random Michelle K Sunday, August 17, 2008 at 10:43:00 AM EDT  

My friend e-mailed me a new article on her.

Once again proves that truth is stranger than fiction.

Janiece Murphy Sunday, August 17, 2008 at 10:50:00 AM EDT  

I'm going to pout if I don't get my own cool, twisty headline.

"Veteran Systems Engineer yells at pup for licking pressure sore while knitting for the homeless?"

"Common-law wife bitches about University classmates while listening to books on iPod?"

Yeah, I suck at the drama-rama compared to this whack.

kimby Sunday, August 17, 2008 at 11:08:00 AM EDT  

Thanks Eric, now I have those images in my head as i get ready to go to sleep....

Anonymous,  Sunday, August 17, 2008 at 1:38:00 PM EDT  

Now, if you could just work Michael Phelps and Barack Obama into this story, it maybe, just maybe,would draw some REAL media attention.

Jeri Sunday, August 17, 2008 at 2:01:00 PM EDT  

Eric, this was too freaking funny. This woman, clearly, was aspiring to live an "extraordinary life". Clearly, nobody told her during her formative years that the extraordinary is supposed to be for amazing stuff, not for weird shit, still, she's out there on the meter.

I'm with you Janiece, I don't even register on the drama-rama scale in comparison.

John the Scientist Sunday, August 17, 2008 at 4:27:00 PM EDT  

OK, wait a minute Eric. You missed the biggest detail in the new revelation:

David Crockett, Miss McKinney's lawyer in the Tennessee case

Her lawyer's name is fucking Davy Crockett.

Of Tennessee.

Then there's this:

He recalled she had two or three dogs in her car when she met him to speak about her case. "There was a strong aroma about her, and I told her this needed to be taken care of before I went to court with her."


Now you just know a guy named Davy Crockett from Tennessee is going to be used to a lot of horseshit and other animal by-products. If it's a problem for him, she's gotta reek.

So here's my theory about the case. See, then you want to blog anonymously but have specialized knowledge that will out you in casual conversation, you cop to your profession, but change the details. So, Eric admits he's a defense attorney in the South. He brings up all these tales of the weird, he pretends to be a liberal pacifist...

The only logical conclusion is that "Eric" is a fourth generation descendant and namesake of the legendary frontiersman and soldier Davy Crockett, and this whole "blog" thing was made up as a way to pressure Ms. McKinney into paying him the money she owes him by threatening to tell her entire (and I suspect we ain't seen nothin' yet) bizarre story piecemeal...

I await Jim Wright's confirmation of my suspicions.

Eric Sunday, August 17, 2008 at 4:46:00 PM EDT  

Neh-nh, hm-hm hmm-mm, king of the wild frontier....

What? No, I wasn't humming or singing anything--must be your imagination.

(Nonchalantly adjusts coonskin cap to a jauntier angle....)

Jeri Sunday, August 17, 2008 at 11:18:00 PM EDT  

Eric, I have come up with a Nathan-style Internet group activity based upon your fine post here today. I hope you don't mind. ;)

Eric Monday, August 18, 2008 at 12:34:00 AM EDT  

Happy to have been of service, Jeri.

(Bows deeply.)

Jeri Monday, August 18, 2008 at 1:25:00 AM EDT  

Eric, if you can't make up a hyperbole-filled paragraph about Jim Wright, we'll probably have to revoke your status as our writing crush. Because Jim is an *easy* target.

Jeri Monday, August 18, 2008 at 2:12:00 AM EDT  

Here's one for you - not a headline, really more of a one paragraph future bio:

"Hailed as the author who made Grisham look like a brain-dead slacker, this former attorney is celebrating his twenty seventh book on the New York Times bestseller list. An adviser to the Karenna Gore campaign, he raised eyebrows when he insisted on adding an eco-friendly zombie-response plan to her platform."

Nathan Monday, August 18, 2008 at 8:44:00 AM EDT  

Eric,

When you've started your headline thread, would you please cut and paste this into there? I must write now and cannot wait until you get your shit together, you slacker.

Headline:

Local Defense Attorney Given Lifetime Achievement Award

Local Defense Attorney, Eric ________ will be feted tonight at a gala dinner to celebrate his "Awesome awesomeness" (sic). The entire legal community is falling down at his feat and clamoring at the chance to worship him.

Said one District Court Judge, "Eric is just the best attorney to ever try a case in front of me. He once got an acquittal in spite of the fact that the defendant sat in open court gnawing on the victim's face throughout the proceedings."

Eric is expected to accept the award semi-anonymously. When contacted for comment, Eric said, "That's just how I roll, faschnizzel."

Janiece Murphy Monday, August 18, 2008 at 9:38:00 AM EDT  

For Eric:

Local Attorney Arrested During Pink Floyd Laser Show

A local defense attorney was arrested at a Pink Floyd laser show at Discovery Place after ripping a chair from the auditorium and throwing it at the control booth.

According to witnesses, the attorney was a regular at the Laser show, and had just occupied his favorite chair. When the show started, however, it appears that show officials had changed the show from Pink Floyd to 50 Cent. The attorney snapped, and began vandalizing the auditorium, screaming and crying.

No one was hurt, and charges are pending. The attorney will be defending himself.

Matt Warnock Monday, August 18, 2008 at 12:48:00 PM EDT  

It's always amazing how the phrase 'the truth is stranger than fiction' is usually so true.

Eric Monday, August 18, 2008 at 12:50:00 PM EDT  

I have to admit, I like Jeri's best. Make it Kristin Gore, who worked on Futurama as a writer and script editor, and I believe we have the makings for the best Presidency ever. Or to hell with the Presidency of the United States--let's aim higher:

"The newest writer to join the writing staff on the resurrected and revamped Futurama on Comedy Central, has been hailed as the author who made Grisham look like a brain-dead slacker and is now celebrating his twenty seventh book on the New York Times bestseller list. Executive producer and series co-creator Matt Groening is thrilled by the latest addition to Kristin Gore's team: 'His Frankenreagan, the next season's new nemesis for Nixon's Head, is the best new character since the Robot Devil--I think Katey [Sagal] peed herself during a script reading last week.'"

Yes, I would rather write for Futurama than run the country. That isn't obvious?

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