The truth is out there...

>> Tuesday, August 19, 2008

It's astonishing news. You may have heard about the gentlemen who recently held a press conference to announce their discovery of Bigfoot remains. You may also have heard that self-professed "skeptics" labeled the conference a "bust" simply because the remnants "look like" a costume. (Guess what? George Washington looked just like somebody wearing a George Washington costume. Does that mean George Washington was a fake, too? I don't think so! By which I mean, he did exist, not that I think he didn't--look, never mind. Logic, people! It's your friend!)

Well, it looks like the naysayers are going to have to eat their deaf, dumb, and blind, pinball-wizard words, because the remains have been tested by science, and science has given us a remarkable conclusion: the DNA tests prove:

One of the two samples of DNA said to prove the existence of the Bigfoot came from a human and the other was 96 percent from an opossum, according to Curt Nelson, a scientist at the University of Minnesota who performed the DNA analysis.


Explain that, Bigfoot deniers! Part human and part opossum? Something that's part opossum and part human would be humanoid, furry, kind of lazy, and have big feet... that's right, it's Bigfoot!

Now, I have to admit this is a little bit surprising. To some of you, at least (I, myself, have not made too many assumptions, because assumptions make an "ass" of "u" and... "mptions"... wait, is that right?). It's been popular to think that because Bigfoot is apparently a hominid, he must be a great ape species, notwithstanding the almost complete lack of any kind of evidence whatsoever of a colony of apes living in the high latitudes of the North American wilderness. But this DNA testing answers many of the questions raised by the erroneous "ape" hypothesis. Why aren't there conclusive signs of a pack of Bigfeet? Because Bigfoot's opossum nature makes him solitary. Why haven't hundreds of researchers been unable (until now) to find Bigfeet? Because they've tended to look during the daylight hours, when Bigfeet are lethargic and tend to stay in their trees. Why aren't people tripping over Bigfoot corpses all the time? They have, but have mistaken the matted furry remnants along the roadside for exceptionally large possum corpses. (It can be hard to get an accurate estimate of size when a three-dimensional object is squashed as flat and round as a manhole cover with a tail.)

The question that remains unanswerable at the present time is whether Bigfoot is a hybrid--the offspring of man and marsupial--or whether Bigfoot is proof that man and marsupial share a surprising common ancestor. Indeed, it may well prove that we are descendants of Bigfoot, in a manner of speaking.

Nonetheless, the important and exciting point remains: if the tested materials had been some kind of stupid costume, the DNA test would have been for... polyester. Or whatever it is they make those things out of. Don't bother me with details. But they didn't: the samples tested positive for something unknown to science until now, something undreamed of: an opossum-human hybrid!

A great day for science!

2 comments:

Random Michelle K Tuesday, August 19, 2008 at 7:19:00 AM EDT  

OK, I'm trying to imagine the genesis of a being that is part human and part possum.

I may lose my breakfast.

Matt Warnock Tuesday, August 19, 2008 at 9:50:00 AM EDT  

Tried to get to Cryptomundo to see a bigger pic but either the site's down or there's way too much traffic going on.

There are new animals discovered all the time, so I believe there could be bigfoot (bigfeet?) out there. As far as this discovery, I'll be hopefully skeptical for the time being.

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