Oh, fine, arrr and avast, whatever--

>> Friday, September 19, 2008

I was going to acknowledge "International Talk Like A Pirate Day" the way a fearsome pirate ninja would (in silence, possibly sneaking behind someone and killing them with a hook), but how can I when it turns out--

My pirate name is:

Dirty Tom Bonney

You're the pirate everyone else wants to throw in the ocean -- not to get rid of you, you understand; just to get rid of the smell. You can be a little bit unpredictable, but a pirate's life is far from full of certainties, so that fits in pretty well. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.
part of the fidius.org network

"Dirty Tom Bonney"? That is a totally sweet pirate name. And when my other leg is lost to the sea and I'm a beggar on crutches in Port Royal, aye, then they can just call me "Dirty Tom."

There's little more to add--well, two things. First: thanks to Nathan at Polybloggimous for the link that let me to discover my Secret Name (and to Janiece, who may have started this ball rolling--I can't quite tell). Second: while I do not dispute that I am in fact Dirty Tom Bonney, I think the questions I was asked to generate this name reflect a strong cultural bias that offends me.

After all, as much as I love the sea (and I do, aye), where are the questions for space pirates?

Do you believe in making prisoners "walk the 'lock"? Do you think an air filtration unit should be replaced prior to probable operational failure or when your (human) crewmembers begin looking bluish? Do you love the smell of ozone caused by plasma beams slashing the air, or do you even notice it anymore? Does your heart soar when you broadcast the Jolly Roger on a jamming frequency? Do you revel in the fond memories of breaking a case of Arcturian Rum with Polymorphous Pete (before he molted and retired to the hot deserts of Rigel-19) and Atomic Annie Aquilliae and the rest of your crew? Do you know somebody with more than five peglegs?

It's lame, is what it is, this failure to keep up with the times. Ocean pirates are, I hate to say it (because I do love 'em), passé. Space pirates are the future. Except for the ones that get caught inside some kind of weird temporal anomaly or whose hyperspatial engines malfunction causing them to end up in the time of the dinosaurs or fighting Genghis Khan or fighting Genghis Khan on dinosaurs. I mean, yeah, okay, those space pirates are yesterday, technically speaking. But that's not the point!

In honor of the pirates of tomorrow, today, I'm offering a short survey to ask the kind of question their so-called pirate quiz should have asked. I can't offer you a clever name, but I can at least make a point on behalf of real pirates:



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