Breaking news!

>> Thursday, October 23, 2008

And you heard it here, first, at Standing On The Shoulders Of Giant Midgets, folks! For the second time in its history, the great state of Virginia is to be fragmented again!

As I'm sure all of you know, in 1861 the state of Virginia was split when some twenty-five counties chose to secede from Virginia, which had rebelled against the United States at the start of the American Civil War, resulting in the birth of West Virginia. Now, it seems history is poised to repeat itself, as suggested by this comment from Senator John McCain's advisor, Nancy Pfotenhauer in an MSNBC.com interview:

"As a proud resident of Oakton, Va., I can tell you that the Democrats have just come in from the District of Columbia and moved into northern Virginia," McCain senior adviser Nancy Pfotenhauer said on MSNBC. "And that's really what you see there. But the rest of the state, real Virginia, if you will, I think will be very responsive to Sen. McCain's message."

Program host Kevin Corke asked Pfotenhauer if she wanted to retract the comment, prompting her to reply, "I mean 'real Virginia' because northern Virginia is where I've always been, but 'real Virginia' I take to be the — this part of the state that is more Southern in nature, if you will. Northern Virginia is really metro D.C."


Other McCain advisors and supporters have made similar comments, leading to one inescapable conclusion: Virginia is about to be officially rent in two, as this map obtained by a Shoulders Of Giant Midgets special investigative journalist shows:



One of the most significant and shocking aspects of this stunning re-drawing of the American map is that this may be the first case of reverse-secession in American history, with the residents of Virginia actually expelling the residents of the new state of Fake Virginia.

It is not clear whether the new, non-contiguous territory will, in fact, be immediately recognized for statehood or will have to go through the process for admitting new states to the Union. A McCain official, asked if the two states would each receive two Senators or would only have one apiece replied, "What--you want to give them representation? We're not even sure they're Americans! Hey, you're not recording this, are you?"

Although we are told by anonymous McCain staffers that they expect to have Fake Virginia severed from Virginia by the last week of October, issues of Fake Virginia's representation (if any) in the Electoral College will apparently be deferred until at least (in the words of our informant), "I don't know, late July, August, maybe not 'til 2010, even--who the hell are you, anyway? That thing isn't on, is it?"

One issue that may slow down Fake Virginia's admission to the United States if it isn't presumptively granted recognition as a state is the appalling lack of basic services in Fake Virginia, particularly where education is concerned. Fake Virginians seem to be completely unaware of where they even live, are unable to locate Fake Virginia on a map, and seem to think that Democratic Governor Tim Kaine of Virginia is leader of their nascent state. Asked to name their state capitol, a bare majority named Richmond, the official capitol of Virginia (although geographically located in Fake Virginia), followed closely in our completely and totally scientific poll by the apparently fictitious twin cities of "Who Is This" and "How Did You Get This Number," neither of which could be located by our interns using Google Earth and the map inserts in the back of the office English dictionary.

We promise to keep you posted as this exciting and earth-shaking story develops.

5 comments:

Nathan Thursday, October 23, 2008 at 12:11:00 PM EDT  

Further update:

An unnamed source at the Virginia statehouse said, "Until we heard about this, we were unaware of the existence of Fake Virginia. Now, let me tell you, boy, Real Virginians ain't gonna take this lying down. We are not gonna tolerate a buncha Fake Virginians occupyin' any part of Real Virginia. I say, "Push 'em into the sea."

When this interviewer asked where the Fake Virginians were to live, our source went on to say, "Let 'em live on offshore oil rigs. Oh, there ain't no oil rigs? Well, then let's see who's gonna be hollerin' 'drill baby drill'."

Jeri Thursday, October 23, 2008 at 12:44:00 PM EDT  

So now we'll have Real Virginia, West (by God) Virginia and Fake Virginia?

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. And he's calling from an 800 number with an unbelievable deal for you.

Random Michelle K Thursday, October 23, 2008 at 1:01:00 PM EDT  

We don't want 'em.

They're gonna have to make their own state. And as the late Justice Rehnquist commented that the creation of WV was on shaky legal grounds, they might want to treat carefully.

neurondoc Saturday, October 25, 2008 at 12:20:00 PM EDT  

I dunno, Janiece, about moving there. Fake Virginia has lots of traffic.

Natalie (who lives almost in Fake Virginia)

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