Aw, crap...

>> Sunday, January 17, 2010

...I said I'd try to come up with something about Wookies or ninjas or Wookie ninjas or something by the end of the weekend, didn't I?

Don't say I'm not a man of my word.

Unlike other ninjas, Wookie ninjas are generally not known for their stealth. Or silence. Or ability to disappear from sight instantly, like the wispy shadow of a dream with no more sound than the whisper of the wind in the leaves. Or for reliably wearing pants. On the other hand, ninjas don't necessarily rip your arms off when they lose a game of Dejarik. (I mean, okay, a regular ninja would probably still kill you if he was losing a game, but, you know, he'd probably use a throwing star or some kind of fancy martial arts. You'd still have your arms. Or at least one of them. Probably.)

Actually, the truth is that Wookies make really lousy ninjas, having none of the qualities one normally associates with the profession. But who's going to tell them that? Not me, that's for sure. Do you have any idea how many one-armed high-school guidance counselors there are on Kashyyyk? You try telling a Wookie that she doesn't have the figure to be a lingerie model or that he doesn't have the voice for a professional auctioneer. Wookie shows up in your office grunting that he wants to be a ninja when he graduates, you find him a ninja school if you have to cross the Himalayas wearing nothing but a jock strap, and you damn well better write a good recommendation letter.

This is, in case you were wondering, how Chewbacca became Han Solo's co-pilot and mechanic. I mean, honestly, do you really think an eight-foot-tall ape-dog that can't speak English and can't fit into the crawlspace between the fusion generator and the dimagnetic decoupler, who comes from a forest planet where the only article of clothing they've been able to invent is the belt despite the fact they have no pants (and they're wearing it wrong) has any business being a co-pilot/mechanic/smuggler? Of course not. But his high-school guidance counselor, Mr. Fitzjenkins, did an excellent job getting Chewie into a decent vocational school and personally typed with his one remaining arm the recommendation letter that was sent to Han Solo when Chewie applied for the job on board the Millennium Falcon.

to whom it may concern,

please forgive the lack of capitalization as i am unable to operate a shift key. i would like to take this opportunity to recommend one of my students, chewbacca francis williams, for placement in your business enterprise. chewbacca, or 'chewie' as his friends call him, but not 'francis' as mr. malcolm the shop teacher learned much to his chagrin during chewie's freshman year here, is a very hardworking student who had a perfect 4.3 gpa here at mission vao high. like all of our students except our one human student, billy palpatine, he was 'student of the year' each and every year he was here. chewie received a 4.3 grade in all of his classes, including french, of which his teacher mrs. lawton says he is an extremely proficient speaker. in addition, chewie is a very creative student, having thrilled the student body and their parents with his portrayal of polonius in william shakespeare's 'hamlet' this past year.

i believe chewie would be an excellent addition to your staff, and i beg you to hire him for the love of god please i'm begging here.

mr. timothy fitzjenkins
guidance counselor
mission vao high school
1015 padawan lane
wrrraonkaarrrrhville, kashyyk 30913
555-555-9084 ext. 416

Han Solo actually turned down an astromech droid with fifteen years' experience working on spice freighters to hire Chewbacca. Absolutely true. He had to tell the droid that even though he felt it was made for the job--which of course was literally true, the astromech droid in question having not only been manufactured for work on spice freighters but actually being sold by some licensed Corellian Engineering Corporation dealerships as an accessory for YT-1300 freighters--he just had to go with the applicant who was busy amusing himself by swinging an Ortolan around by the trunk in the landing bay.

You just don't tell a Wookie he's not qualified for a job. Not even professional ninja.


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