>> Sunday, May 09, 2010

For any e-mail scammers who happen to read this, the way to get me to open your junkmail instead of merely deleting it unread is to give it a sufficiently amusing or eye-catching subject line. And of course, even then most of the spams are pretty boring. But this arrival from last week, which evidently has been making the rounds for a little while with only the dollar amounts being adjusted or tweaked by the asshats forwarding it, was a rewarding and amusing read:

You may not know this sender.Mark as safeMark as junk
Sent: Fri 5/07/10 6:09 AM



Funds, you are to contact the ECONOMIC AND FINANCIAL CRIME COMMISSION,Phoenix,Arizona to obtain the above required document, find below their contact information's:
Contact Person: Rev. Daniel Parker

Rev Daniel Parker Email: revdanparker1@efcconline-ng.com
Address: 1224 mabo lane road,phoenix,Arizona
Phone Number: 206 259 6321

Ensure you contact them EFCC with your Full Name,Address and phone number/cell number.

Contact the EFCC via Email with the information above immediately,once you contact them i will get back to you or else i will have an agent come visit you at home for questioning.

Furthermore, be advice that according to the United State Law together with the FBI rules and regulations, you are to obtain the document from the EFCC OF ARIZONA where the fund was transfer from. Also Note that you are to take care of the cost of the Document, which will be issued in your name. due to the content of the document and how important and secured the document is, you as the beneficiary will send to the EFCC OF ARIZONA the sum of Usd400 Dollars only for the issuing of the document right away and your Usd1.5 million will be release to you, That is the lay down rules for ANTI CRIME DEPARTMENT to release such sensitive document, EFCC will issue you the authentic and original copy of the documents with seal on it for verification and approval.

NOTE: We have asked for the above document to make available the most complete and up-to date records possible for no criminal justice purposes. The documents will clarify the intensity of this fund; exonerate it from money laundry, scam and terrorism.You are to send and email to Rev.Daniel Parker and ask for the instructions to get the CLEARANCE DOCUMENTS in oder for you to clear your name and receive your funds.

WARNING: failure to provide the above requirement in the next 24 hours, legal action will be taken immediately by arresting and detaining you as soon as international court of justice issues a warrant of arrest, if you are found guilty, you will be jailed....... As terrorism, drug trafficking and money laundering is a serious problem in our community today and the world at large. The F.B.I will not stop at any length in tracking down and prosecuting any criminal who indulges in this criminal act. FORWARD THE DOCUMENT TO US VIA EMAIL ATTACHEMENT AS SOON AS YOU OBTAIN IT. No body is above the law and the law is not a respecter of anybody. We presumed you are law abiding citizen whom would not want have scuffles with the authority, in and outside America.

We are charged with the responsibility of implementing legal norms and our authority is irrevocable so don't dare dispute our instruction, just act as instructed.The person you know will not help you in this matter rather abide by this instruction. the funds in question was deposited by those people that contacted you.
Note: You are to contact them (EFCC) with your full names,phone number/cell number and full address via their email which i stated above immediately for the processing of your Clearance Documents within the next 24 hours.

Faithfully Your's
Robert S.Mueller 111
FBI Director
Note contact the EFCC office: revdanparker1@efcconline-ng.com you have less than 24 hours to contact them and ask them how you are to acquire the CLEARANCE DOCUMENTS.

I've gotten laughs before out of scammers mis-using "monitory" for "monetary"; we still don't have a threatening letter from a bishop, instead we have a threatening letter, supposedly, from a lawman--this time, if I don't respond to Reverend Daniel Parker, he "will have an agent come visit [me] at home for questioning." Furthermore, if I don't respond within twenty-four hours, "legal action will be taken immediately by arresting and detaining [me] as soon as international court of justice issues a warrant of arrest" and I will be sent to jail if I'm found guilty.

Oh-oh. I better get on this. Wait--when did I get this e-mail? Friday at 6:09 A.M.? When is this blog post going live? Sunday at 1:25 A.M.


Won't somebody post my bail for me? Send me a file baked into a cake? Come up with a clever multi-layer scheme involving a number of specialists executing precisely-timed steps involving an attractive woman in red visiting the warden, a strategically-parked moving van, a power outage, a fake announcement to the press that a teen heartthrob is making a special appearance downtown, and the detention of George Clooney which would seemingly bring the whole thing to a screeching halt if it weren't really a necessary and cleverly-conceived red herring? Wait, shit! I don't know George Clooney! I only gave his cousin a ride to the beach house he was staying in that one time fourteen years ago! (This is absolutely true. We talked about the O.J. Simpson trial.)

My very favorite-est part, though, would have to be the whole "our authority is irrevocable" and "the person you know will not help you" business. We've gone, over the years, from cheery, congratulatory e-mails about how much the recipient has lucked into to dire "Kneel before Zod!"-toned pronouncements.

Which brings me to the thing I kind of find baffling about the latest variety of scam mail. One might expect some sort of selection process to occur that makes scam-mails harder to detect, something like the way effective predation selects for better camouflage in prey species. But has anyone else noticed that these things are getting less competent, more slapdash, even more indifferently-researched? Aside from the obvious spelling and grammar mistakes in the above missive, the author now apparently thinks that Americans believe that the "Principal Staff Officer" of the "Economic And Financial Crime Commission" would be a preacher in Phoenix, Arizona. At least this one had dialed the dollar amounts to credible levels--I seem to get a lot of these saying I'm entitled to nearly a billion dollars in U.S. Currency that I can get a hold of if I send hundreds of thousands of dollars, amounts that are perhaps reasonable in parts of the world where they've been known to issue hundred-billion-dollar bills but are obviously just plain goofy 'round here.

I mean, you think they'd do some research. When Robert S. Mueller's name first started appearing in these things it was a leap forward, giving some vague sense of verisimilitude to the scam-mails; Mueller's name remains in a lot of these (including the one above) as a legacy, but the remainder of the text shows not merely the unfamiliarity with the United States you might expect from a foreigner, but not even the low level of familiarity said foreigner might gain spending a few hours with Wikipedia and Google. He could at least check out the exchange rate, right, or pick a real street address in Arizona, right? How hard is that? Here, here's how hard it is: from now on, the new address of Rev. Dan's EFCC Phoenix offices is in the Alameda Business Park‎ located at 24490 N 20th Dr., near several hotels and a dentist's office; all I did was search Google Maps for "Phoenix, AZ business park"; a Phoenix resident might call shenanigans, but any out-of-towner anywhere in the world doing a Google search to check out the scam-mail would find, perhaps to his surprise, that there was really possibly maybe could be a business office there near all the other businesses.

Slackers. I should totally send back an e-mail asking the fuckers to pay their Nigerian Internet Tax, payable to me on behalf of the Assistant Secretary to Mr. Oyigbenu of the Federal Ministry Of Information And Communication, Office C-3, Radio House, Herbert Macaulay Road, Area 11, Garki, Abuja, Nigeria (+234 9 234 6350, but do not call--the person you know at MIC can not help you with this problem, you are only to communicate with me from here on out regarding this very important tariff which is levied against you on behalf of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, of which the failure to pay could result in prosecution by Attorney General Aondoakaa).


Janiece Sunday, May 9, 2010 at 9:57:00 AM EDT  

I don't think I'm up for bailing you out, or breaking you out, or any of those other shenanigans.

But if the Smart Man and the Cute Film Nerd get hit by buses in the interim, I'm quite sure Jeri, Carol Elaine and I could be convinced to participate in a UCF Trollop conjugal visit. Sort of a polygamist version of trailer trash visitation, as it were.


Carol Elaine Monday, May 10, 2010 at 2:44:00 AM EDT  

But if the Smart Man and the Cute Film Nerd get hit by buses in the interim, I'm quite sure Jeri, Carol Elaine and I could be convinced to participate in a UCF Trollop conjugal visit. Sort of a polygamist version of trailer trash visitation, as it were.

Heaven forfend buses should cross the paths of Smart Man and CuteFilmNerd...

But, yeah, I'd be up for it.

Leanright,  Monday, May 10, 2010 at 12:38:00 PM EDT  

I suggest you watch "Shawshank Redemption" again, just to ensure your backup plan. Crawling through 500 yards of shit for a large fortune on the other end may be a good deal.

Eric Monday, May 10, 2010 at 2:34:00 PM EDT  

Hell, I crawl through 500 yards of shit every day.

Leanright,  Monday, May 10, 2010 at 3:04:00 PM EDT  

...and to think, you went to SCHOOL for that ;)

Anonymous,  Monday, May 24, 2010 at 11:46:00 PM EDT  

The Rev. targeted me in the same e-mail today 5/24/2010. The thought of the FBI coming after this middleaged Hoosier homemaker gave me a good laugh! I'll take my chances and hold onto my $300!

Anonymous,  Tuesday, August 3, 2010 at 4:56:00 PM EDT  

Today I received the same email from the Rev. asking for $300. What BS ...

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