An open letter to Mr. James Wellington

>> Saturday, May 22, 2010

ticket numbers: EAASL-130877

From: Mr James Wellington (jameswellington.fedex.org@[80.109.43.20])

Sent: Thu 5/20/10 9:23 AM
To:

Microsoft Corporation,
40 Ryecroft Way Stopsley ,
London SW1E 5JL
England UNITED KINGDOM
FILE REF: HL/5564/06/07/MICS
BATCH: MC11/834/5PDH /EU

OFFICIAL WINNING NOTIFICATION

It is obvious that this notification will come to you as a surprise but please find time to read it carefully as we congratulate you over your success in the following official publication of results of the E-mail electronic online Sweepstakes organized by Microsoft, in conjunction with the foundation for the promotion of software products, (F.P.S.) held in London, United Kingdom. Were email address was randomly selected from over Three million email addresses of different people around the world without their knowledge and your email address emerged as one of the online Winning emails in the 2nd category and therefore attracted a cash award of 850,000.00 (Eight hundred and fifty Thousand pounds sterling). Our winners are arranged into four categories with different winning prizes accordingly in each category.

They are arranged in this format below:

CATEGORY NO.OF WINNERS WINNING PRIZES

1st. 2 ? 1,000,000.00 pounds each
2nd. 8 ? 850,000.00 pounds each
3rd. 13 ? 350,000.00 pounds each
4th. 27 ? 170,000.00 pounds each

We write to officially notify you of this award and to advise you to contact the processing office immediately upon receipt of this message for more information concerning the verification processing and eventual payment of the above prize to you.

For verification purpose be sure to include the following:

(1) Your Full Names.
(2) Your Tel/Fax numbers.
(3) Your Nationality/Country.
(4) Your contact address..
(5) Sex.
(6) Age.
(7) Occupation.
(8) Your Preferred Method of Receiving Your Price (From Below) Mode of Price Remittance.


(1)Courier Delivery Of your Certified Winning Cheque Name and other Documents safely to you.

It is important to note that your award information was released with the following particulars attached to it.
(1) These are your identification numbers: MCS-26799/097
(2) Award numbers: MCS-26799/097
(3) Email ticket numbers: EAASL-130877
(4) Batch numbers: MC11/834/8PDH /EU
(5) The file reference numbers: HL/5574/41/07/MICS
{6} Serial Numbers: McST/006/NL46560

To avoid unnecessary delays and complications, quote the following numbers above to the Microsoft Promotional claims manager who will by duty guide you on the step to take in collecting your prize.

**************************************************
FOREIGN CLAIMS MANAGER
MR. ROBERT COLE
MICROSOFT SECURITY DEPARTMENT (UK).
E-mail 1: microsecurityclaimsdepartment1@discuz.org
**************************************************

The Microsoft Internet E-mail lottery Awards is sponsored by Microsoft Management, The World Wide Web Consortium (W3C), Acer Computers, and a consortium of software promotion companies, The Intel Group, Toshiba, Dell Computers and other International Companies such as Yahoo, British airways, Google. The Microsoft internet E-mail draw is held periodically and is organized to encourage the use of the Internet and promote computer literacy worldwide.

Once again on behalf of all our staff,

CONGRATULATIONS!

Sincerely,
MR. JOHN WILLIAMS.
M.S.PRO. ZONAL COORDINATOR.
© 2001-2010 MICROSOFT WINDOWS®.77735 876378


Dear Mr. Wellington,

HA!

That's right, HA!

You can't fool me with such a transparent ploy!

I knew this was just a dirty, lowdown trick as soon as I saw that the prize was "Eight hundred and fifty Thousand pounds sterling". Well what, I'd like to know, am I going to do with four hundred and twenty-five tons of dinnerware!

I imagine you'll reply that I could throw an enormous dinner party for several thousand of my closest friends, because you're assuming I won't think of how many dishwasher loads that will be or how much time I'll have to spend polishing all that silver--well, I'll have you know, Mr. Wellington, I've thought about it. Assuming I can polish four ounces of silverware a minute and never sleep, I think it would take me approximately five months to get through all of it if I've done my math right.

Meanwhile, I'm sure you'll steal my cat or something along those lines. This kind of herculean task is exactly the kind of thing leprechauns are always tricking poor peasants into doing so the leprechauns can steal the poor peasants' children, and since I don't have a child, you'd probably take my cat, instead. Well, you can't have him. He doesn't like strangers, and while I'm sure your magic tree or whatever it is you live in is very nice, I think he likes living with me better. Besides which, he's my "plan B" in case I ever find my cupboards bare, refrigerator empty, and I'm unable to get to the supermarket.

Now begone with you, evil spirit, and darken my home no more with your evil, conniving, leprechaunish ways. I'm on to you. Don't make me say your name three times, Mr. Wellington, Mr. Wellington, because I will do it. Also, I have a camera and am perfectly willing to steal your soul, kosher salt which I'm willing to encircle you with, and I have a friend who knows leprechaun kung-fu. (One of these things is a lie, but I'm not telling you which one. I don't think you want to take the chance, now do you?)

Begone, foul spirit!



Sincerely,
R. Eric VanNewkirk
Standing On The Shoulders Of Giant Midgets


3 comments:

Warner (aka ntsc) Saturday, May 22, 2010 at 7:52:00 AM EDT  

Are those short tons, long tons or metric tons?

timb111 Sunday, May 23, 2010 at 10:51:00 AM EDT  

I think you should be ashamed of your stereotypical regard of Leprechauns as greedy tricksters. Mr. Wellington obviously has an oversupply of silver and needs to make room for more gold and is offering you a chance to get into the Leprechaun garment business (it is well known that Leprechauns wear silver buckles on their shoes). But you with your bigoted presuppositions have decided that threatening Mr. Wellington with an attack is the correct response. For shame. I say "For Shame, Sir!".

Now, if you'll just send me your banking information along with you SSN, I'll mend things with Mr. Wellington.

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