An open letter to David Walker

>> Sunday, June 13, 2010

Mail From Dave!‏

From: David Walker (

Sent: Fri 6/11/10 1:51 PM

Hello , I will like to seek your help in a business proposal , which although is sensitive by nature and not what I should discuss with someone I don't know and have not met using a medium such as this but I do not have a choice .

I am Mr. David Walker personal attorney to late Dr. Edward, who died of a cardiac arrest a few years ago leaving behind a large sum of money with a commercial bank in the Island of Seychelles which is a tax free zone, a place where plenty of rich people tend to hide away funds not ready to be used or invested. I will not mention the amount of money which runs into several millions in United States Dollars and name of bank presently until we have agreed to deal.

I trust you will understand the need for such precautions. So far, valuable efforts has been made to get to his people but to no avail, as he had no known relatives more because he left his next of kin column in his account opening forms blank and he has no known relative. Due to this development the bank has come forward to ask us as his personal attorneys to bring forward a close relative to claim the funds otherwise as the Seychelles national laws would have it, any dormant account for five years will be declared unclaimed and then paid into the government purse. To avert this negative development my colleagues and I have decided to look for a reputable person to act as the next of kin to late Dr. Edward so that the funds could be processed and released into his account, which is where you come in.

My law firm will also act as your personal attorneys since we will be portraying you as being directly related to our late client being from the same country. All legal documents to aid your claim for this fund and to prove your relationship with the deceased will be provided by us. Your help will be appreciated with 30% of the total sum which I would disclose in my next email.

Please accept my apologies, keep my confidence and disregard this letter if you do not appreciate this proposition I have offered you. I wait anxiously for your response.

Yours Faithfully,

David Walker

Dave, old boy:

I don't know how you got this e-mail address, although it looks like you sent a copy to yourself for some reason and it was mis-forwarded to me, or maybe you just have a guardian angel. Anyway, it's your lucky day.

This sounds like the perfect job for me and my team. We work fast, we work smart, and if we weren't so soaked up with love for our fellow man, brother, we wouldn't work cheap. We all have our reasons for doing what we do, whether it's a passion for helping children, enjoyment for the company of the ladies, being just a little crazy, or simply loving it when a plan comes together. Maybe we're all crazy. But I don't know if I should get too much into that, brother, because the less you know, the less you have to lie about later.

Assuming your bona fides check out, pal, and you're not really a certain U.S. Army Colonel taking us for suckers, we'll need any other information you have about the subject's family. Names and physical descriptions would help, but also things like is their host state hostile, how many guards are there, security systems in place, will we need to bribe any officials, who can we disguise ourselves as, etc.? You'll be expected to cover expenses, of course, although with enough time my team does have the ability to "produce," shall we say, certain necessary documents if needed. We have transportation covered if you can assist in the shipping of a 1983 GMC G-15 van to the host state.

Once we're in, we'll extract Dr. Edward's heirs and bring them to a designated retrieval site (we'll choose it and let you know when and where to meet us for the transfer), and then they can collect the inheritance you're holding for them. We'll expect a modest fee, of course. Naturally, the exact amount can be negotiable if any of the heirs happen to be adorable orphans or an attractive young lady in her early 20s.

As for your offer of legal representation: does your firm have any experience with the UCMJ? As you might know, my pals and I have had certain legal difficulties stemming from a misunderstanding between ourselves and our previous employers resulting in certain further misunderstandings culminating in a huge misunderstanding that led my associates and I to alter our then-current residential arrangements against the preferences of the United States Government, which the Government didn't take quite as well as we'd hoped and which triggered even more misunderstandings which led to other misunderstandings, etc. Do you know anything about appealing a court-martial?

It sounds like you have a problem and no one else can help, and you've found us. I look forward to working with you.

[name withheld], Lt. Col., U.S. Army (fmr.)


Dr. Phil (Physics) Sunday, June 13, 2010 at 6:08:00 PM EDT  

I love it when a plan comes together.

Dr. Phil

jamie Wednesday, June 16, 2010 at 3:03:00 AM EDT  

So is the new A-Team movie any good then? I;m still deciding whether or not to go see it.

Eric Wednesday, June 16, 2010 at 9:10:00 AM EDT  

I haven't seen it, either. To be honest, this open letter started as a generic "'80s TV/movie team of commando specialists" gag but kept screaming A-Team until I went back and made (most) of the jokes fit.

I've heard the new movie is terrible, but I'm not sure that's actually a point against it: the TV show was pretty terrible, too, bad enough that even as a kid I (and I think most of my friends) knew it was awful even as we gloried over it and did our awful character impersonations of George Peppard and Mr. T. The movie doesn't really need to be good as long as it's awesome, if you know what I mean.

If anyone's seen it, what did you think?

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