Tell me a joke

>> Monday, June 07, 2010

Fucking hell, it's been a day. Tell me a joke.

Here's one my Mom e-mailed me recently:

At the big Pentecostal tent revival, Preacher Brown was preaching up a storm. Towards the end of the evening, the Preacher asked the congregation if there was anyone in the crowd who needed some special help from The Lord.

Leroy Jenkins came up, said, "Preacher, I need help with my hearing."

Preacher Brown put one hand on Leroy's forehead and with the other put a finger in Leroy's ear, and he preached like he was calling down an angel. He spoke in tongues, he railed and moaned, demanding the demons leave this poor afflicted man's ears alone. When he was completely out of breath he pulled his hands away and said, "Brother Leroy, how's your hearing now."

And Leroy said, "I don't know, it ain't 'til Thursday."

Tell me a joke:


Almaz,  Monday, June 7, 2010 at 5:19:00 PM EDT  

A man walks into a bar and says "Ouch!".

vince Monday, June 7, 2010 at 5:54:00 PM EDT  

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.

When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"

"Oh my gaaaad...", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. "Where's my Rolex?!?!?"

Nathan Monday, June 7, 2010 at 6:16:00 PM EDT  

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer and a mop".


Nathan Monday, June 7, 2010 at 6:19:00 PM EDT  

How much longer will #2 pencils have to be the most popular before they're #1?

rbird Monday, June 7, 2010 at 6:49:00 PM EDT  

Knock knock

who's there?

Impatient cow

Impatient co...


Knock knock

Who's there?

Impatient duck

Impatient d


(and so on and so forth)

Leanright,  Monday, June 7, 2010 at 8:56:00 PM EDT  

A man, standing behind a woman at the market, watches her put on the belt; two dozen eggs, a gallon of milk, a six-pack of Bud, two TV dinners and a mango. He proceeds to say, "Ma'am, I can't help but notice: Are you single?".

She states: "Yes, how did you notice?"

His Reply: "Because you're Fucking Ugly!"

David Tuesday, June 8, 2010 at 11:44:00 AM EDT  

Rene Descartes walks into a bar. "Would you like a beer?" asks the bartender. "I think not," says Descartes. And he disappears.

timb111 Tuesday, June 8, 2010 at 12:08:00 PM EDT  

Three pieces of string go to the only bar within miles of where they live. Beside the door is a sign reading "String will not be served". The first piece of string says "No way they're going to discriminate against me" and he goes in to the bar.

The Bartender asks him, "Are you a piece of string?" "Yes", replies the first piece of string. The Bartender nods to the bouncer who comes over and beats the crap out of the string and kicks him out the door.

The second piece of string seeing this says, "No way, not worth it". and takes off home.

The third piece of string thinks for a couple of minutes and then starts to wind himself around and round and then rolls himself back and forth on the ground until he looks a real mess and then goes up to the bar.

The Bartender asks him, "Are you a piece of string?". Our hero replies "'Fraid knot." and gets his drink.

Eric Tuesday, June 8, 2010 at 12:10:00 PM EDT  

Thank you! I'm loving these (including Vince's, which is funny because it's true)!

If you've got 'em, please keep 'em coming!

An elementary school teacher was teaching a biology lesson and asked the class, "What part of the body, when stimulated, expands to nearly three times its normal size when relaxed?"

A little girl jumped out of her chair and said, "You can't be teaching us this! We're little kids! I'm telling my parents, and you're going to get fired!"

The teacher ignored the girl completely. Finally, another student raised his hand and said, "The pupil of the eye?"

The teacher said, "That's correct," and then she turned to the first little girl, still standing beside her desk.

She said, "First, somebody obviously didn't do her assigned reading last night. Second, somebody has a dirty mind and should be ashamed of herself. Third, someone's going to be very disappointed in about ten years."

Mrs. Bitch Tuesday, June 8, 2010 at 12:46:00 PM EDT  

I come from a long line of, um, let's say thrifty European stock.


The Swede's wife steps up to the tee, and as she bends over to place her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any
skivvies," Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well,
fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb....Tidy yerself up a bit."

rbird Tuesday, June 8, 2010 at 2:07:00 PM EDT  

Knock knock

Who's there?

Impatient Kitty

Impatient Kit


Seth Tuesday, June 8, 2010 at 2:11:00 PM EDT  

A dog gave birth to puppies next to the road and was cited for littering.

Kathy Tuesday, June 8, 2010 at 4:44:00 PM EDT  

Professor Heisenberg is speeding down the autobahn when a cop pulls him over.

"Sir," the cops says, "do you know how fast you were going?"

"No," says Professor Heisenberg. "But I know where I am!"

Tom Friday, June 11, 2010 at 6:13:00 PM EDT  

Alternate ending to Kathy's joke:

"Yes," says Professor Heisenberg. "But I don't know where I am!"

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