An open letter to Mrs. Patricia Morine Davidson

>> Saturday, July 03, 2010

From: Mrs. Patricia Morine Davidson (
Sent: Fri 7/02/10 12:51 AM

Attn: My Dear Good Friend

I am Mrs Patricia Morine Davidson, I am a US citizen, 51 years Old. I reside here in Cedar Hill Texas 75104. My residential address is as follows. 1273 Hayes St Cedar Hill Texas 7510, United States, am thinking of relocating since I am now rich. I am one of those that took part in the Compensation in Nigeria many years ago and they refused to pay me, I had paid over $20,000 while in the US, trying to get my payment all to no avail.

So I decided to travel down to Nigeria with all my compensation documents, And I was directed to meet Mr Rev Benson Smack, who is the member of COMPENSATION AWARD COMMITTEE, and I contacted him and he explained everything to me. He said whoever is contacting us through emails are fake.

He took me to the paying bank for the claim of my Compensation payment. Right now I am the most happiest woman on earth because I have received my compensation funds of $1,600,000.00 Moreover, Mr Rev Benson Smack, showed me the full information of those that are yet to receive their payments and I saw your name as one of the beneficiaries, and your email address, that is why I decided to email you to stop dealing with those people, they are not with your fund, they are only making money out of you. I will advise you to contact Mr. Benson Smack

You have to contact him directly on this information below.

Name : Rev Benson Smack
Phone: +234-808-702-9431

You really have to stop dealing with those people that are contacting you and telling you that your fund is with them, it is not in anyway with them, they are only taking advantage of you and they will dry you up until you have nothing.

The only money I paid after I met Mr Rev Benson Smack was just $155 for the paper works, take note of that.

Once again stop contacting those people, I will advise you to contact Mr Rev Benson Smack so that he can help you to Deliver your fund instead of dealing with those liars that will be turning you around asking for different kind of money to complete your transaction.

Thank You and Be Blessed.
Mrs. Patricia Morine Davidson

Dear Beautiful,

Thank you for your thoughtful and erotic letter. I have to admit that my e-mail program thoughtlessly relegated your sensual words to my junkmail folder and I almost missed the vitality and sexual charge of your missive.

I notice that you have only recently become rich. You must surely be discovering, then, that a wealthy, "worldly" woman such as yourself has, shall we say, certain appetites that can only be satisfied by a virile younger gentleman who is willing to be available twenty-four hours a day and seven days a week? I believe I am young enough yet mature enough to, shall we say, be "kept," my pet?

I call you "pet," but of course I would be the bulldog on your chain, dearest.

I am worried that you refer to yourself as "Mrs." and use an e-mail address evocative of this Reverend Benson Smack. Does this mean you are chained, sweet dove? Are you in thrall to a man whom you perhaps married in your youth without the foresight to know that one day you would be fabulously wealthy and hungering for, oh, "fresh meat," so to speak? Or, worse yet, are you perhaps thinking you have some obligation to Reverend Benson after he assisted you in reaching this new summit you've deserved for so long? I am sure that Reverend Benson is a godly man and means well, but you must realize that he will always be devoted to a higher power, frequently absent while he attends to the spiritual needs of those he has committed his life to serving.

I assure you I will be devoted to your most physical needs, sweetest flower.

You seem to imply I should visit Nigeria to attend to some trifling monetary arrangements while being exposed all the while to people who will try to take advantage of me. But Texas, my delicate orchid bloom of the Southwest, is so much closer--within driving distance, even, see:

I could be by your side in a mere nineteen hours (I'm allowing for rest stops, meals and bathroom breaks--actually, we should make it twenty in case I hit traffic). You could be in my manly arms in less than a day if you simply sent me some gas money and maybe a few bucks to pay someone to feed my cat! And we would be together then, my dearest, sweetest love, and I could shower you with kisses and erotic massages the following morning after I got a good night's sleep and maybe had breakfast. (You would want me to be at my freshest and best, wouldn't you, snuggy-wuggums? By the way, can you cook or have you hired a chef? Either way, my eggs should be poached or sunny-side-up.)

Or, you write that you are thinking of relocating--you could come to my side, my beauteous sexmuffin, and we could fly away to Paris or some other place where I can ply you with romantic eroticism and you can buy me that guitar I always wanted. And also maybe some new clothes, my seductive pudding, because I know you would want your pookie-bear to look splendid as he shows you off to an adoring and admiring world. (And how could they not adore you and admire you as I adore you and admire you, my carnal kitten, my salacious stoat, my alluring lynx, my ravishing ravioli?)

Just give me the word, luscious pigeon, and just a few bucks to help me along (if you have to send a check, could you perhaps just make it out to "CASH"--it's a nickname I sometimes go by, sort of a tribute to the country singer), and I will be there at your side to treat you the way a woman of your wealth and glamour should be cheated. Don't you deserve to be treated well, dearest, don't you deserve to be treated like a queen? Surely you do, and I am the man who can make your dreams of being worshipped, admired and serviced come true.

R. Eric VanNewkirk
Standing On The Shoulders Of Giant Midgets


timb111 Saturday, July 3, 2010 at 11:45:00 AM EDT  

Eric; Now that you blog has taken a turn to the erotic, I think you need to make a solemn undertaking to your gentle readers that you will never, never, ever write anything related to zombie eroticism.

Also, is that your real home address as the starting point on the map? Because if it is and any zombie erotica appears, well, let's just say we'll know where to make things happen (nice friendly things of course).

ecation: Education without the "du" factor.

Eric Saturday, July 3, 2010 at 11:58:00 AM EDT  

I think it's fairly public knowledge I live in Charlotte, the generic starting point on the map, but my actual physical address isn't used (the travel directions merely start downtown).

And, as you know, the zombie erotica is out of the bag, so to speak--it's been written, it's been sent off, whether it will actually appear in public is up to the Powers-That-Be. :)

timb111 Sunday, July 4, 2010 at 11:26:00 AM EDT  

Yes, I am aware that you have been seduced in the past by the fame and fortune that Big Zombie Erotica offers, and I should have been more specific in my demands. I meant that you would never, ever, write any zombie erotica in your blog.

And you should know that by "I", I mean "we". The "we" of the Eric's Blog Fan Club. You should know that in our last meeting we voted anonymously to send you a vicious threat warning you against publishing zombie erotica in your blog since the thought of reading it makes us both sick.

So be aware that you are being closely monitored!

potrou: A small tempest in a teapot.

Eric Sunday, July 4, 2010 at 2:39:00 PM EDT  

But zombies need love, too! Love and sweet, sweet brains!

Tom Monday, July 5, 2010 at 4:53:00 PM EDT  

I was thinking this post would surely be a trollop magnet. I thought there's be swooning and such. I guess they're having too much fun dominating poor Vince.

cpunk: for real! So flabbergasted that I got it that I don't have a def for it...

Eric Monday, July 5, 2010 at 4:58:00 PM EDT  

Y'know, Tom, I'm worried that comment may prove to be pretty much the equivalent of one of those moments in an old western or jungle adventure when somebody says, "The drums are quiet tonight" or something to that effect....

Tom Tuesday, July 6, 2010 at 11:46:00 AM EDT  

Shirley you don't think that just mentioning...

Hey, yuou know what would really be funny? I talking about the Old Gods called them up, and caused them to, aarrrgh, gurggle, choke...


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