In which I fix a famous scene from Star Wars...

>> Sunday, November 21, 2010

General Tagge: What of the Rebellion? If the Rebels have obtained a complete technical reading of this station, it is possible, however unlikely, they might find a weakness and exploit it.

Darth Vader: The plans you refer to will soon be back in our hands.

Admiral Motti: Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they have obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe. I suggest we use it.

Darth Vader: Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of The Force.

Admiral Motti: Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerous ways, Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, or given you clairvoyance enough to find the rebels' hidden fortress...

(Vader makes a pinching gesture with his fingers and Admiral Motti begins to choke)

General Tagge: Wait--that's it?

(Vader, startled, releases Motti.)

Darth Vader: What?

General Tagge: That's it? That's the power of The Force? You're going to choke people? One at a time like that?

Darth Vader: I... I also have a lightsaber.

General Tagge: So you're going to choke people. And cut them into pieces with your lightsaber. And that's the power of The Force. Darth. Darth, baby. Darth, Darth, Darth. Do you have any idea how big the galaxy is?

(Beat.)

Darth Vader: Yes.

General Tagge: Alright. How big is it?

(Beat.)

Darth Vader: Um.

(There is a much longer, awkward pause, during which the only sound is the stentorian rasp of Vader's life support system.)

General Tagge: Well--

Darth Vader: (interrupting) A day.

General Tagge: A... day....

Darth Vader: I can fly across the entire galaxy in a day in my TIE fighter.

General Tagge: You... you do understand that that's because your ship has a hyperdrive system that allows it fly many times faster than the speed of light, right? Your ship enters hyperspace and--

Darth Vader: (interrupting again) I know what a hyperdrive is, General. It's the button next to the radio.

(There is another awkward pause.)

General Tagge: Lord Vader. The galaxy is 120,000 light years across. There are 400 billion stars. 180 billion systems. 20 million known sentient species. In excess of 120 quadrillion estimated sentient inhabitants. And you're going to do that little pinchy thing to them. Oh, and cut them with your laser sword.

Darth Vader: Lightsaber.

General Tagge: Vader, this battlestation can destroy entire planets, billions of people at a time, with one single shot from its primary turbolaser. It takes a second. You, on the other hand, hang on. If we assume you can choke someone, oh, once a minute... 1,440 minutes in a Galactic Standard Day... hold on a minute while I bring up a calculator... let's assume an average planetary population of six billion, Galactic Standard Year of 368 days... yes, if nobody has any children, you could wipe out an entire planet in over 11,300 years... assuming you don't waste any time sleeping or whatever it is you do in that... egg... thing that lets you take off your hat.

(Silence.)

General Tagge: Well?!

Darth Vader: (mumbles)

General Tagge: I'm sorry, I can't hear you over your breathing.

Darth Vader: Your lack of faith--

General Tagge: (interrupting) My lack of faith? Lord Vader, trust me, I have little doubt you can do your little pinch-the-air business and choke anyone as soon as look at them. But can you do a whole planet? All at once? Quicker than this Death Star can go vreee with it's big enormous gun and blow the whole thing to smithereens? Well?

Darth Vader: (mumbles)

General Tagge: I'm sorry, you're doing it again.

Darth Vader: I said, yes. Yes I could.

General Tagge: Oh. Really. Alright, do Alderaan.

Darth Vader: I don't feel like it.

General Tagge: Uh-huh. Sure. Right. You don't feel--

Darth Vader: I don't feel like choking a whole planet right now--

General Tagge: --like it. Gentlemen, Lord Vader doesn't feel like--

Darth Vader: --but I can choke a whole planet any time I want to--

General Tagge: --it, and that's why the Empire spent gajillions on a giant laser instead of sending Lord Vader around in a little shuttle to pinch every--

Grand Moff Tarkin: Gentlemen! Stop this squabbling at once! This is getting us nowhere!

Darth Vader: I've just been really busy.






5 comments:

vince Sunday, November 21, 2010 at 12:42:00 AM EST  

Well, I don't know about fixed. But it is much, much finnier.

Eric Sunday, November 21, 2010 at 12:49:00 AM EST  

You were also right the first time. I definitely added more fins to it. In my brain, I mean.

Nathan Sunday, November 21, 2010 at 1:03:00 PM EST  

I knew I heard that music from Jaws while I was reading it!

Vagabond Tuesday, November 23, 2010 at 11:17:00 AM EST  

Excellent! Much more in line with the Vader we came to know and be irritated by in the prequel trilogy! . . . "Governor Tarkin, the generals are always holding me back, never giving me the respect I deserve . . . this is preposterous!"

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