An open letter to the United Nations

>> Saturday, November 13, 2010



Sent: Thu 11/11/10 4:34 AM

The Desk of Secretary-General
United Nations
New York NY 10017

Attn: Beneficiary,

We have been having general meeting for the past couple of weeks with the delegates of the United Nations and prominent members of the World Bank Assisted program which ended on 20th August 2010 regarding issues of unclaimed fund; However the United Nations has instructed us to bring back list of those beneficiaries who are yet to receive their payments due to one issue or the other from agents and nonchalant bank officials.
It has become imperative to contact you on the subject matter "Overdue payment notification", as your name and internet address was discovered in our Central Computer among the list of unpaid beneficiaries originated from Africa, Europe, Asia Plus Middle east and Americans. However, during the auditing of files today at my desk it appears that you fall among the top 20 beneficiaries that will be receiving part-payment of US$2.5Million due for transfer. Thus, you are advised to re-confirm the following information:

• Full Names:
• Postal/Mailing Address:
• Marital Status/Sex & Age:
• Occupation:
• Phone and Fax Number (for merit reach):

Having said that, proper arrangement has been made for your payment to be remitted in whatever manner you deem fit, thus, two payment method are listed below for you indicated which payment terms is suites you or preferable for payment as agreed upon by the following nations; Federal Republic of Nigeria, British Government, US government and delegate from the following organization “United Nations & World Bank”.
Payment Mode:

• Payment through Certified Bank Draft {Yes or No}
• Payment through ATM Card {Yes or NO}

For redemption of your claim, you are advised to contact our representing authorizing officer saddle with the responsibility for claims/clearance of your ATM CARD with the under listed contact information.

Dr. Harry Marton
Director United Nations
Regional office United Kingdom.
Phone: +44 702 401 7830

Note to see this as our last correspondence as your response to this e-mail notification is of paramount importance to help facilitate the immediate release of your long due payment without further delay. Thus, for your better understanding, we advise that you click on the useful link below.

Finally, we are sorry for any inconveniences caused by agents/nonchalant bank official who have delayed your payment for one reason or the other. We the honorable delegates and board of directors of the United Nations sincerely apologize and assure you that your payment will be released to you with immediate effect immediately you forward same the requested information so that the transfer can undergo normal fund acquisition protocol and the procedure can take its due course.
Thanks in anticipation and co-operation.

Mr. Ban Ki-moon
Secretary-General UNITED NATIONS).

Dear Mr. Ban Ki-moon,


I have to say I am appalled, utterly appalled and miserably dissatisfied with your unprofessional handling of these matters. You, sir, are an idiot, and the whole lot of you in the United Nations are morons, fools, ninnies, complete and utter incompetents. I have been stymied, delayed, held at arm's length, and when you finally respond, it's with this ridiculous boilerplate nonsense pretending that the monies which I have insisted upon receiving have been held up in some sort of computer error is insulting, grossly insulting, sir!

I am angry enough to vaporize a mid-sized city.

The fact that I won't should not be taken as an indication I am kidding around or joking. In fact, I believe you know exactly what I am capable of and that's why you've been stalling, yes, stalling! I am not a fool, sir! I note that in the time you've spent having "meetings" and so on, my home has been assailed no less than four times by burglars, common ruffians, whatever their governments might prefer to call them if they could be bothered to acknowledge their existences. You may, if you will, inform the delegates from the United States and France that their "visitors" from the CIA and DGSE will be returned in very small boxes; the delegate from Russia you may give my insincere regrets, as I wasn't going to skim the piranha moat for the remnants of their SVR employee; finally, the British delegate may be informed that their gentleman from MI6 is dying a very slow death from poison gas in his unmonitored cell at this very moment and will be returned to his masters in due course.

Now, on to more important concerns. First, the amount requested from your organization was $2.5 billion USD for transfer, not a mere million. Don't be coy. You idiots are perfectly aware that $2.5 million wouldn't even cover the power bill from one good, city-leveling orbital laser blast, much less the operational expenditures of my organization.

Second, an ATM card would be fine, thank you.


• Full Names: Dr. Henry Fidellius Basterdo D.B.A. "Dr. X" a.k.a. "Number One."
• Postal/Mailing Address: an airdrop at -32.078851,-129.565431 is fine, or you can mail the ATM card to my mother's residence at 120 Wilson St. in Green River, Ill.
• Marital Status/Sex & Age: I don't see the point of this question, but alright: as your intelligence agencies probably are already aware, I am an unmarried male, 57 years of age, involved in the latest of many polyamorous relationships with a succession of evil, beautiful, exotic young women prone to dying violent deaths years too young.
• Occupation: Psychotic Megalomaniac Executive of Global Consortium bent on extortion and world domination.
• Phone and Fax Number (for merit reach): try my cell, (777) 555-3845

I hate having to cut this missive short, but it appears an alarm has gone off in the prison section and my main indicator board suggests there's been some sort of fault in the poison gas system again. This happens periodically--tell the Americans that I shall deal with their Microsoft Corporation in due course! And now, until next time!


Dr. X


An ATM card worth $2.5 billion USD or I tell my minions to fire the orbital superlaser at will! This is your last warning!

Have a nice day.


Jim Wright Saturday, November 13, 2010 at 3:34:00 PM EST  

Damn those United Nations bastards! Damn them to heck!

Mrs. Bitch Saturday, November 13, 2010 at 4:02:00 PM EST  

Hey Jim - could you and your family and friends relocate for awhile? I am putting in an urgent request that Eric vaporizes Wasilla (and nearby surrounding areas, in case Nanookie is out whale hunting or logging an old-growth forest or moose hunting or something) when he finally has had enough of these UN bastards. Guess who I've finally had enough of.

Jim Wright Saturday, November 13, 2010 at 4:16:00 PM EST  

Ha! I'm with you. Can we vaporize your governor too, while we're at it? Please?

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