An open letter to Mr. Shawn Henry of the Federal Bureau of Investigation Bank Commission for Europe

>> Tuesday, December 14, 2010

FBI Official Notice, Urgent‏


Sent: Tue 12/14/10 9:55 AM

View attachment to read FBI Official notice for your best understanding.

--Forwarded Message Attachment--

Anti-Terrorist And Monetary Crimes Division

Federal Bureau of Investigation

J. Edgar Hoover Building

935 Pennsylvania Avenue, Nw Washington, D.C. 20535-0001

DATE: 12/14/2010

Attention Fund Beneficiary,

This is an official advice from the Federal Bureau Of Investigation Foreign Remittance Telegraphic Dept, It Has Come To Our Notice That The C.B.N Bank Nigeria District Has Released 10,500,000.00 U.S Dollars Into Bank Of America In Your Name As The Beneficiary, By Inheritance Means.

The C.B.N Bank Nigeria Knowing Fully Well That They Do Not Have Enough Facilities To Effect This Payment From The United Kingdom To Your Account, Used What We Know As A Secret Diplomatic Transit Payment S.T.D.P To Pay This Fund Through Wire Transfer, They Used This Means To Complete The Payment.

These letter serves as notification of the present transaction confirmed in your name, on our research and investigations as a mode of operation with the Federal Bureau Of Investigation Banking Commission, we investigated a fresh transfer what of million dollars as mentioned above in your name. The funds are undergoing proper verifications to proof the legitimacy of the transaction, you are to provide all the legal documents to back up the transaction and clear all requirements on your behalf.

They are still, waiting for confirmation from you on the already transferred funds which was made in direct transfer so that they can do final crediting to your account. secret diplomatic payments are not made unless the funds are related to terrorist activities why must your payment be made in secret transfer, if your transaction is legitimate, if you are not a terrorist, then why did you not receive the money directly into your account, this is a pure coded ,means of payment.

Records which we have had with this method of payment in the past has always been related to terrorist acts, we do not want you to get into trouble as soon as these funds reflect in your account in the U.S.A, so it is our duty as a word wide commission to correct this little problem before this fund will be credited into your personal account. The funds are presently on hold for further proof of the legal documents before releasing directly to you.

Due to the increased difficulty and unnecessary scrutiny by the American authorities when funds come from outside of America, precisely Africa, the federal bureau of investigation bank commission for Europe has stopped the transfer on its way to deliver payment of $10,500,000.00 to debit your reserve account and pay you through a secured diplomatic transit account (S.T.D.A). We govern and oversee funds transfer for the World Bank and the rest of the world.

we advice you contact us immediately, as the funds have been stopped and are being held in our custody ,until you can be able to provide us with a diplomatic immunity seal of transfer(dist) within 3 days from the world local bank that authorize the transfer from where the funds was transferred from to certify that the funds that you are about to receive from Nigeria are antiterrorist/drug free or we shall have cause to cross and impound the payment, we shall release the funds immediately we receive this legal documents .

We have decided to contact you directly to acquire the proper verifications and proof from you to show that you are the rightful person to receive this fund, because of the amount involve, we want to make sure is a clean and legal money you are about to receive. Be informed that the fund are now in United State in your name , but right now we have ask the bank not to release the fund to anybody that comes to them , unless we ask them to do so, because we have to carry out our investigations first before releasing the fund to you. Note that the fund is in the BANK OF AMERICA right now, but we have ask them not to credit the fund to you yet, because we need a solid proof and verifications from you before releasing the funds.

So to this regards you are to re-assure and proof to us that what you are about to receive is a clean money by sending to us Federal Bureau Of Investigation Identification Record and also Diplomatic Immunity Seal Of Transfer(DIST) to satisfy to us that the money your about to receive is legitimate and real money. You are to forward the documents to us immediately if you have it in your possession, if you don't have it let us know so that we will direct and inform you where to obtain the document and send to us so that we will ask the bank holding the funds the Bank Of America to go ahead Crediting your account immediately.

This Documents are to be issued to you from the World Local Bank that Authorized the transfer, so get back to us immediately if you don't have the document so that we will inform you the particular place to obtain the document in Federal Republic of Nigeria, because we have come to realize that the fund was Authorized by H.S.B.C Bank in London and release by C.B.N. Bank Nigeria.



Final Instruction:

Shawn Henry

Assistant Director,

Federal Bureau of Investigation

Washington D.C.

Dear Mr. Henry,

As I read and re-read your missive, I find myself increasingly disturbed by the nerve of your presumption that funds coming out of Africa are related to terrorism and/or drug transactions. Is this some rank cultural, ethnic or racial bigotry rearing its ugly head, I'd like to know? Since when does a law-abiding citizen need a Diplomatic Immunity Seal of Transfer (DIST) to access funds which are rightfully his? I have never heard of such a thing, and the fact that you plainly say that funds from Africa are receiving, in your own word, "unnecessary" scrutiny suggests that you are little more than a crude bigot.

I will have you know that my wealthy uncle, Mr. Abrahem VanNewkirk of Port Elizabeth, recently deceased, left me the princely sum of $10,500,000.00 upon his death of old age. He was no terrorist nor drug runner, having made his money conducting legitimate business. The fact that he arranged for some of his money to be held in a Nigerian bank merely results from the fact he conducted some business in Nigeria, and the C.B.N. Bank Nigeria offers interest on checking accounts and also provided him with a beautiful toaster which I much envied, but I believe was bequeathed to a museum.

What makes your request for a DIST truly ridiculous is that I certainly didn't need one six months ago, when I inherited $10,500,000.00 from my late cousin, Johannes, after his unfortunate demise while hiking a few miles outside Klipplaat. No, the authorities supervising the World Bank transfers demanded nothing more than a signature, respecting my horrible grief to hear the news that poor Johannes had finally been found, tragically struck down in his youth. Adding insult to your new requests for documentation is the fact that the very same bank that Uncle Abrahem used in Nigeria was also handling the funds for Johannes, Uncle Abrahem having told Johannes about the reasonable bank fees, efficient yet courteous customer service, and a promotion offering new customers a duffel bag with the opening of any savings account with a minimum deposit of $50.00.

Similarly, last December, when my Aunt Nadine passed away (she lived in Port Elizabeth as well, only a few miles from Uncle Abrahem, who visited her every day while she was alive and advised her financially), leaving me $10,500,000.00, you meddlesome nitwits said nothing of it. The money was transferred quickly and without a hitch, the customer service of C.B.N. Bank Nigeria, as I noted in the previous paragraph, being efficient and courteous. They even asked me if I wanted them to ship me the princess phone my Aunt received as a free gift when she opened her accounts, at no extra cost or effort on my part. (I considered their offer, but ultimately declined.)

I could go on and on about how ridiculous you people are being! In June, 2009, when my brother Jan fell of a ladder and left us, bequeathing me with $10,500,000.00 and a small piece of carry-on luggage stamped with C.B.N. Bank Nigeria's logo, the funds appeared in my account, no problem! When the estate of my missing-presumed-dead stepsister, Helen, was settled in December of 2008, my $10,500,000.00 bequest was credited to my account in a fashion that well-bespoke the speed and efficiency of the fine men and women at C.B.N. Bank (and her children tell me the toaster they inherited, while not quite as nice as Uncle Abrahem's, lacking a specialized bagel setting, still works wonderfully well). In June of that year, my $10,500,000.00 inheritance from my dear friend, Gaotbert Boever, was settled and transferred to my accounts quite to my satisfaction, and I believe that Gaotbert was so happy with the services of C.B.N. Bank Nigeria that he even asked to be buried wearing the lapel pin they gave him when he opened his checking account with them.

So why, why, why are you people suddenly insisting that my accounts be frozen and my monies seized, threatening me with legal action? It isn't like this is the first time I've had money transferred to me from C.B.N. in a time of grief and crisis, during which I would rather be focused on the five stages of grief and acceptance than dealing with piddling paperwork! Nor is there anything unusual, I must say, in the amount which I've been bequeathed this time which would lead one to wonder if there was some irregularity afoot! The insensitivity your agency is showing in my time of loss only adds to my psychological distress and, frankly, has me wondering if I should consult with my attorneys regarding the infliction of emotional distress!

I assure you that there is nothing illegal or suspicious going on. Especially not anything involving terrorism or the drug trade as such things have been historically defined.

I thank you in advance for your consideration, and since I am certain you'll realize you're being unreasonable and release my funds, I thank you for that, as well.

R. Eric VanNewkirk
Standing On The Shoulders Of Giant Midgets


Phiala Tuesday, December 14, 2010 at 2:52:00 PM EST  

Since you have so many deceased relatives who left you the sum of TEN MILLIONS OF DOLLARS or whatever it was, it is definitely your turn to buy drinks next time.

timb111 Wednesday, December 15, 2010 at 10:26:00 AM EST  

What's with all the blank space in Mr. Henry's letter? Is there a secret message embedded in the blankness somehow? Perhaps a coded message to secret FBI informants? A call to arms to birthers to gather 10,500,000.00 weapons for the upcoming revolution?

And why did Eric leave all the blank space in? Or, indeed, did he add it himself as a secret message to his acolytes? Or perhaps the space somehow links to a favourite music video that he is ashamed to admit liking openly?

I think that the answer to these is important, but finding those answers will uncover a conspiracy so terrible that we will be unable to face it.

Eric Wednesday, December 15, 2010 at 11:47:00 AM EST  

The answer to the questions in the second paragraph is that I try to preserve the original format of the e-mail as much as possible, and didn't remove the blank spaces when I cut'n'pasted the text into Blogger. The answer to the questions in the first paragraph is that the original e-mail is probably telling me to CONSUME but I left my special sunglasses at home.

As for the third paragraph, I sense an epic fight scene coming on....

timb111 Wednesday, December 15, 2010 at 11:58:00 AM EST  

Coincidentally, I just ran across this e-mail by OpenBSD founder Theo de Raadt where he reveals an e-mail from a developer of IPSEC (a internet protocol for securely connecting to remote computers). The developers e-mail reveals "the FBI implemented a number of backdoors and
side channel key leaking mechanisms".

So perhaps my third paragraph is not as unlikely as I thought when I wrote it.

Phiala Wednesday, December 15, 2010 at 3:40:00 PM EST  

Aw dammit, I only get Ten Millions US Dollars when I send in my DIST.

Mine's not through Bank of America, though, which is good because I don't like them. Instead, Mrs. Farida Mzamber Waziri will help me procure my DIST for only $650USD for expediting.

Federal Bureau Investigation.
Robert S. Mueller III,
FBI, Director.

There must be a LOT of FBI agents involved in this, it's a huge undertaking. And I completely understand why they're using AOL. You should see how bad the government email system is. I'd probably use AOL myself if I could get away with it.

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