An open letter to the United Nations

>> Tuesday, February 01, 2011


United Nations

From: United Nations (
Sent: Tue 2/01/11 3:40 PM

How are you?

We happily announce to you the draw of the United Nations programs held on the
11th January, 2011 in Nigeria. Your e-mail address attached to ticket number:
564 75600545 188. You have been compensated with the sum of $500,000.00 USD
and payment will be remitted to you via western union money transfer.

USD$5,000 has already be send to you since last week but we were unable to
give you the information on phone for the past days but due to bad network
here, So we decided to send you the details via email today.

Here is the western union information to pick up the USD5000.00.

MTCN : 782 543 4236

Mrs. Linda Hall

Dear United Nations,

Hi. I'm fine.

Well, that's not quite true. I'm not really fine. You see, when I opened up my e-mail just now, I saw, right there in the subject header, an announcement that $5,000 USD was enclosed with my e-mail. And so I opened your missive, fully expecting--

Well, tell the truth, I don't know what I expected. I don't really understand science and technology and they frighten me. (In my defense, I'm American.) I know I heard somewhere that the Internet was a bunch of tubes, so maybe I guess I sort of thought, I don't know, that the money was being sent through the tubes, too, along with the little words or pictures or whatever. Or maybe there would be a picture of money that I could print and spend somewhere, which, I guess, is maybe kind of a dumb idea unless you had it set up so I could only print up one $5,000 bill so I couldn't rip you off. (Which President is on the $5,000 bill--I want to say it's Jermaine Jackson, but maybe it's Hawkeye Pierce?)

As it turned out, I didn't need to wonder at all. There was no attachment to the e-mail at all, nor anything enclosed with the e-mail--not even a silver dollar. Instead, all I found was "western union [sic] information to pick up the USD5000.00."

That is hardly the same thing.

I am aggrieved, bewildered and upset by this turn of events. Had I known that your e-mail did not, in fact, contain any money, I don't know that I would have bothered opening it. This is, I think, the classic example of what they call a "bacon switch," where you promise one thing only to reveal at the last minute a pyramid scheme or "shell game" as the circus canaries liked saying at the Battle Of Midway. But I am on to you, United Nations, all of you, each and every one. You may think you are dealing with a fool, but I'll show you exactly what kind of fool you're dealing with! A fool who was not born on the turnip truck yesterday! Or even the day before yesterday!

Therefore, I offer you the following ultimation: if you don't send me an e-mail that really has $5,000 enclosed, I will sue you in U.S. Internet Court for pain and suffering and breach of promises. And I will win, I assure you, because my lawyers are the best lawyers of Internet Court in the whole Internet, and are considered the foremost authorities in ripping people off. They will not let you rest, United Nations. They will hound you until you have paid me every last drop of money you owe me, and I will own you and I will take your house from you and I'll buy a dog and let your stupid U.N. house be his doghouse and I will call him Spot or possibly Encephalitis, because Encephalitis is the prettiest name ever (in fact, I may have to just save that one for my daughter). And if you try to come back to get your Led Zeppelin or Black Sabbath albums or whatever (which I will own because I will have defeated you in Internet Court), Encephalitis will bite you on your buttocks region.

Because I do not play.

This letter will be your only warning. I will give you three days: if I do not receive decompensation within the next forty-eight hours, United Nations, it will be on and I will tell my lawyers, who I have on speed dial between the number for Pizza Hut and my hot Russian girlfriend who always wants to chat right now, that they must sue you in Internet Court and defeat you.

I know you'll do the right thing.


Warner (aka ntsc) Wednesday, February 2, 2011 at 10:13:00 AM EST  

Undoubtedly confused by the double meaning of the acronym ATM, to most it means Asynchronous Transfer Method and is used widely in communications.

But to a very small group it refers to Automatic Teller Machine, a concept beyond that of most laymen or women.


What Murbarak did

timb111 Wednesday, February 2, 2011 at 11:55:00 AM EST  

About 12 years ago a group got together and created the Internet Police, I assumed as a joke. Anyway, I guess the Internet Police would investigate crimes and report them to the Internet Prosecutors who would try them in the Internet Court.

I once reported Vince Sabio of HumourNet to the Internet Police for not producing a posting regularly, but I never heard back from them.

"Anyone Without a Sense of Humour
is at the Mercy of the Rest of Us!"

Nathan Wednesday, February 2, 2011 at 1:34:00 PM EST  

Tell the truth. You've got your SPAM filter set to suck the stuff in...right?

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