Ask Standing On The Shoulders Of Giant Midgets: the loneliness of being Newt

>> Thursday, June 23, 2011

I do these in the order they're received, so I apologize to Wendy for any seeming lateness in answering the questions she's submitted to Ask Standing On The Shoulders Of Giant Midgets. Wendy writes:

SOTSOGM - Some comments please on [the recent] revelation that Newt's entire top-tier staff abandoned his campaign. I know that just made your lil' heart quicken a couple beats.

The shots from all the local stations lurking in his building's parking lot waiting for someone to show up at the now-vacated office were priceless!

Otherwise... let me know if you'd stand up and walk out on me...

Well, of course as we all know now, this week another shoe dropped with the resignation of Gingrich's finance staff on top of the earlier resignation of his campaign staff that you were asking about, Wendy. Wow, does this dude inspire confidence in his followers, or what? The real question that we should be asking now is who's going to turn out the lights? Will Gingrich have the chance to quit before any other remaining staffers turn in their keys?

I wish I knew exactly what was involved in a presidential nomination campaign so I could set up a dead pool we could all play. Will Gingrich's bus driver quit before the interns do? If he still has a publicist, will he or she outlast any remaining tech consultants? I don't know who's left, so I don't know how to set up a grid for you folks to play on. It's probably just as well: we couldn't play for money or prizes without violating state and Federal gambling laws, probably. We could only play for "funsies", and "meh" to that, amiright?

I tell ya, dude's campaign personnel are quitting Newt faster than the guy sloughs ex-wives. I hope this doesn't mean he's dying of cancer or something.

Artist Don Davis impact.arc.nasa.govBetween the mass emigrations and the latest bit o'news regarding Gingrich's other Tiffany's credit line, it's hard to understand why somebody as sharp as Gingrich allegedly is can't see the stratospheric mushroom cloud of rubble, seawater and dead fish over the horizon. Of course, I guess that particular conundrum fixes itself when you recall the obvious fact that Newt Gingrich is actually a moron. Mystery solved.

But wait--that's right, the man's a moron! My gods--now that he's declared a candidacy, he might not quit at all, even after he loses the Republican nomination. I can picture Gingrich showing up at the nominee's campaign stops, forlorn and ruffled, trying to intercept people going into the actual event to shake their hands, seizing shrieking babies out of random passers'-by BabyBjörns in an ill-conceived attempt to kiss them, telling people he really is still running for President. A camera at the first debate will catch Gingrich standing in the orchestra pit at the foot of the stage, surrounded by nervous-looking forum security and a Secret Service detail, raising his hand and bouncing on his toes every time Gwen Ifill reads the next question off the notecard in her hand. Gingrich in the same, obviously uncleaned suit, shirt untucked, his silver hair mussed askew and with visible stubble on his face, tackled by large men as he runs onto the stage to grab the microphone from the nominee during his or her concession speech....

It could happen.

Yep, way things are going, Newt Gingrich could be the first presidential candidate in American history to get zero votes anywhere--and yes, I'm aware he could vote for himself and his wife could hypothetically vote for him, too. If they really wanted. But why would Tiffany's offer them anything for that?

As for walking out on you, Wendy: what do you take me for, a Gingrich staffer?

(Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week.)


Steve Buchheit Thursday, June 23, 2011 at 1:46:00 PM EDT  

I believe you've forgotten Fred Thompson. He beat Newt by four years.

Eric Thursday, June 23, 2011 at 2:06:00 PM EDT  

That's right, Steve, I have forgotten Fred Thompson (politician). Wow. You might be the only one who hasn't....

Fred Thompson (actor), of course, will forever remain unforgettable and beloved. He was and is a legendary character actor, not in the Hoffman or Pacino sense of immersing and subordinating himself into a character, but in the sense that he always played "that character", specifically "the gruff balding military officer/Senator/businessman who appears near the beginning and sometimes the end of the movie/episode mostly for expository purposes". And he had that character nailed, I mean, he was the go-to guy for your GBMO/S/B needs if you were a casting director on some thriller where the hero(ine) gets much-needed info from a gruff balding official-looking guy.

I haven't checked IMDB, but didn't Fred Thompson do, like, 10,000 movies or somewhere around that number. So that's, what, 9,998 more jobs than Newt Gingrich has ever held?

Carol Elaine Thursday, June 23, 2011 at 2:10:00 PM EDT  

Is it wrong for me to wonder/wish that, if he does have cancer, his current wife leaves him while he's sick?

Yes, it is wrong, but it would be sweet justice.

Steve Buchheit Thursday, June 23, 2011 at 2:11:00 PM EDT  

Well, yes. He also was a Senator (IIRC) before the acting career. But as a Presidential Candidate, flop-o-rama.

Eric Thursday, June 23, 2011 at 2:31:00 PM EDT  

Steve, was the acting career before or after the Senate gig? I can't even remember, but you may be right about that. At any rate, yep, a flop, though he also put even less effort into running than Gingrich has: he sort of responded to a draft Thompson campaign by declaring his candidacy and showing up to a few things looking sort of bored, as I recall, then seemed pretty happy to quit as his "run" fizzled out. Nobody really expected Newt to actually run--he has a history of saying he's thinking about it and then never declaring, but this year he actually put his name in and assembling that short-lived campaign staff; it sort of seemed like he thought he was trying, but maybe not.

Carol: the schadenfreude would be hard to resist, yes.

Nathan Thursday, June 23, 2011 at 2:52:00 PM EDT  

I'm pretty sure Fred acted before and after the Senate. He may have been a singing waiter at some place while he was a Senator...just to keep sharp, doncha know!

And his best part was as the DA on Law & Order. I'm pretty sure he had a contract that specified he would only work 1/2 day per week.

John the Scientist Thursday, June 23, 2011 at 3:17:00 PM EDT  

The Baby Bjorn has two little clips that fasten the kid in. It's what makes it so great - you can lean down and pick something up without worrying the kid will slip out head-first. If Newt tries to grab kids out of those suckers, there is going to be some mighty funny video of screaming mothers being dagged towards Newt by their baby harnesses. :D

Eric Thursday, June 23, 2011 at 4:02:00 PM EDT  

If those clips make it to YouTube, John, I may run nothing but embedded videos here for weeks....

WendyB_09 Saturday, June 25, 2011 at 11:30:00 AM EDT  

Thank you Eric, I was wondering if you'd get down to my question as the Newt Lewt kept piling up this week.

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