Help me out here...

>> Friday, June 03, 2011

Okay, so all week I'm seeing all these news items about Anthony's wiener. It seems that New York congressman Anthony Weiner, who has the awesomest congressional name since Dick Armey, is in the midst of some sort of maelstrom of hoopla over a photograph of a crotch that may or may not be his that was posted to Twitter after his Twitter account was or wasn't hacked.

I don't get it.

I mean, okay, so I get that the story is, as Jon Stewart says, comedy gold: here's a guy whose name is Weiner being accused of taking pictures of his wiener. Okay, yeah, that's kind of funny. But the guy who exposed Weiner's wiener, professional troll Andrew Breitbart, has been acting like this is some kind of big deal... the story, I mean, and not Weiner's alleged wiener, which appears to be humongous in the pic (although that's possibly some trick of perspective or something). As have several other commentators. Like it's this big "gotcha" kind of thing or something.

What am I missing?

As I understand it, Breitbart's narrative goes something like this:

  • Andrew Weiner takes a junk shot in his underwear...
  • ...and posts it to a public photo-sharing site...
  • ...then publicly mentions the link to the image to a woman (i.e. he doesn't use Twitter's direct messaging service)...
  • ...who is twenty-one years of age...
  • and isn't his wife.
Which part of this is the scandal? I mean, assuming that this is exactly what Breitbart is implying it to be, is the awful part that the person he mentioned isn't Weiner's wife? That he doesn't know how to use Twitter? (Dude, why didn't you DM her?) That he broadcast a picture of his enormous penis covered by his underwear to potentially millions of people, some of whom may have been underage Twitter users? That the woman he sent the tweet to didn't want to see the picture and he was, I dunno, sexually harassing her or something? (If so, I haven't heard any noise suggesting that this is the case, but okay, that might be something.)

I get that Weiner's responses have been a little flaky and inconsistent--his account was or wasn't hacked and he can't say whether the penis was his or not. He'd have been better off saying nothing, probably. Maybe there's something terrible if the picture is of himself and he lied about it. I guess.

But I really have to say that the worst thing about this business if it turns out he really did take a picture of his junk and broadcast it to the world is just how much of a letdown it is. If Breitbart's allegations are true, I'm really, really disappointed in Anthony Weiner.

I mean, look, Congressman Weiner, you're a Democrat. Do you know what that means? John F. and Robert Kennedy fucked Marilyn Monroe. Marilyn Monroe, Mr. Weiner. And John was wearing a back brace and suffering from Addison's disease the whole time he was doing it, too. Back brace? Franklin Roosevelt was allegedly schtumping his secretary Missy LeHand for twenty years while confined to a wheelchair because he had been crippled by polio. William Jefferson Clinton left personal mementos all over an intern's dress and John Edwards fathered an illegitimate child with his videographer. I could go on and on and on, but I think you get the point: if the allegations against you are true, if they are, you're doing it wrong. Representative Weiner, is this really the best you could do? Really? Come on.

Of course, one might imagine Breitbart and his ilk whining about some kind of double standard being at work here. Newt Gingrich changes wives more often than his underwear and gets called a choad while his onetime nemesis Bill Clinton generates a shrug from most lefties whenever the Lewinsky thing gets brought up. Here's what they don't get, though: Bill Clinton never went around sanctimoniously wagging his finger at people and talking about supposed "family values" and the sanctity of marriage and all that horseshit. Clinton may be skeezy, unprincipled, lecherous and dishonest--as skeezy, unprincipled, lecherous and dishonest as Newt Gingrich--but he wasn't a hypocrite about sex until the GOP and the media put him under the hot lights to wring some kind of apology to the nation out of him for the sake of scoring points and finishing the narrative when the only people he possibly could have owed the apology to were Hillary Clinton and Monica Lewinsky (and the latter might even be debatable).

See, I'm pretty sure conservatives probably like sex as much as liberals do. There probably wouldn't be so goddamn many of them if they didn't, for one thing. The problem with conservatives in general and Republicans in particular, however, is that they get hung up about liking sex. They can't just admit they like the sex and they can't just admit who they like it with. A liberal dude who likes having gay sex with other dudes can just go out to the gay bar and find someone to have gay sex with, and it's no big deal. A conservative, however, apparently has to hang out in an airport bathroom, because for some stupid reason he can't just say, "I am a man who likes having sex with men, yay me." A liberal woman who likes having sex and gets knocked up gets to evaluate all her options and decide what the best thing she can do is, while a conservative woman who likes having sex and gets knocked up has to jiggle the calendar until it looks like she met her hubby before giving him her priceless chastity in the suitable bounds of holy matrimony. Et cetera. Humans like sex--thank goodness for the sake of the species. Republicans, however, also have to be remorseful for that. Evidently.

I don't know if Anthony Weiner posted his schlong to the Internet. Truth is, I'm not real sure why I should care, either. But if he did, I gotta say: he's kind of letting his side down. Representative Weiner, I beg of you: if you really did do this, come clean. Come clean and next time see if you can involve a midget stripper or Scarlett Johansson or something. Hell, why not both?


Nathan Friday, June 3, 2011 at 10:22:00 AM EDT  

..he can't say whether the penis was his or not.

Wiener has since clarified: "I did, in fact, own such a penis throughout the early 90's, though I can't confirm that the specific penis in the photograph is the one that I owned at that time. However, I traded in that penis in 1996 and have, in fact, owned a number of penises since that time. Since the photograph in question of the penis in question is clearly a digital photograph of high quality and since digital photography was still in its infancy during the period in which said penis was in my possession, the entire discussion is rendered moot. I hope this clears things up. Penis."

Eric Friday, June 3, 2011 at 12:19:00 PM EDT  

Nathan, if it were in my power to hand you the entire Internet as a prize today, I would. You have earned it, sir. You deserve to be awarded one entire Internet and a certified collection of genuine penises authenticated by Sotheby's as having once been owned by a prominent New York politician....

filelalaine Friday, June 3, 2011 at 5:39:00 PM EDT  

Just found out Dr Kevorkian died. So sad. I was counting on him to terminate my life should I be stricken with an incurable disease. I am serious. Throwing myself under the bus is my only good plan B and it's not even a good one.

Oh yeah, Anthony Weiner's weiner, funny, haha, moving on. Agree with Eric that Nathan's comment is fabulous. He does have a big nose if that is either here or there (Anthony, that is, not Nathan, not that there's anything wrong with that).

Steve Buchheit Saturday, June 4, 2011 at 7:23:00 PM EDT  

I think it's just because it's embarrassing. Also, the conservatives have had so many sex scandals that they're making a mountain out of a, well, you know, whomever is in that picture is larger than average, so I guess I can't say mole hill.

Anyway. The conservatives are trying to trump it up more than it is so when the next family values, hate teh gayz Republican that gets caught trying to get his pole shined at some late night rest stop, Fox News can say, "Well, everybody does it."

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