An open letter to Dr. George Mensah

>> Monday, July 11, 2011

I WAIT FOR YOUR URGENT REPLY‏
Dr. George Mensah


From: Dr. George Mensah (officemessage0212@att.net)
Sent: Sun 7/03/11 8:13 PM
To:

Dear Friend,

My Name is Dr. George Mensah And I work in the International operation department in a Local Bank here in Accra Ghana On a routine inspection, I discovered a dormant domiciliary account with a BAL Of $5.7 MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS, on further discreet investigation I also discovered that the account holder has long since passed away (Dead) leaving no beneficiary to the account

The bank will approve this money to any foreigner who apply for the funds because the former operator of the a/c is a foreigner and from Iraq in particular and I am certainly sure that he is dead and nobody will come again for the claim of this money A foreigner can only claim this money with legal claims to the account Holder therefore I need your cooperation in this transaction. I will provide the necessary information needed in order to claim this money, you will have no problem because I am here to direct you.

But you will need to open an account where this can be transferred. If you are interested send me your private Telephone No and Fax number including the full details of the account to be used for the Deposit. I wish for utmost confidentiality in handling this Transaction as my job and the future of my family would be jeopardized if it were breached, needed information from you for the transfer are as follow. And I am assuring you that the transaction is risk free hence we are going to follow the normal transfer process to you. And we need your information bellow.

Bank Name And Address--------?
A/C Name..........................?
A/C Number Even an empty
Swift Code No..................... Or Routing No…..


Contact me urgently via email privately for further details: { dr.george.mensah@qatar.io }

Thanks.


Yours Faithfully,

Dr. George Mensah


Dear Dr. Mensah,

Hello, I hope this missive finds you well. I was a little confused as I read your posting about the bank account and A/C operator, for I believe that your letter was somehow misdirected to me and I'm really not sure how to forward it. As improbable as it may seem, I'm not one of the thirty-one-and-counting people who can comply with your request.

It's very broad-minded of you to be on the lookout for any Foreigner, but I think your best bet would be to try to contact Mr. Mick Jones' management, as he was a founding member and is the only member to stay with the band throughout its thirty-five year history and "nine studio albums, two live albums, thirteen compilations and thirty nine singles." I'm afraid I can't tell you who Mr. Jones' management is, though you might try inquiring through the band's official online page by e-mailing their contact address: info@foreigneronline.com.

Otherwise, I would probably stick to members from the band's classic lineup, which consisted of (in addition to Mr. Jones) Lou Gramm, Rick Wills and Dennis Elliott. This isn't the original lineup, mind you, but it is the lineup that produced 4, an album that remains a bit of a guilty pleasure despite being the sort of record you could spray onto a Captain's Wafer, if you know what I mean. I mean, seriously, I don't think I'd ever call 4 a "great" album or even a good one, but whenever "Jukebox Hero" comes up on, say, SiriusXM's Classic Rewind when I'm in the car, does that shit get cranked up? You bet your ass it does, because good doesn't necessarily have anything to do with awesome and "Jukebox Hero" is awesome, I'm sorry, I'll say it and in public, too. Also, "Urgent"? Hell yeah, that kicks some ass.

But you probably already knew that, right, Doc? (I hope you don't mind my calling you "Doc", Doc.) That's why you're looking for a Foreigner to help you with your A/C problem.

(I am a little surprised to hear, however, that you were previously dealing with a member of Foreigner who was in Iraq--though maybe I shouldn't be: there have been so many.)

Of course, don't let my advice to go with a classic member control. Sure, what has the current lineup done lately except go on seemingly ceaseless back-to-back oldies tours with the likes of Journey, Night Ranger, Kansas and (ew!) Styx? Still, a member of Foreigner is a member of Foreigner, right? How many people would really be able to keep track of all those guys without a cheatsheet? I sure can't. Hell, I can't even tell "I Want To Know What Love Is" from "I Don't Want To Live Without You". (I kid! I kid! I know: one's slower!)

But Doc, let me raise a question. What is the real point of this venture? Is it to meet a member (or former member) of Foreigner, or do you just need someone to replace the former member who was your A/C operator?

I ask because if you're really just wanting to have a member of Foreigner come over and adjust your climate controls for you as an excuse to rock out, that's awesome. I'd suggest, though, that you don't just launch into how awesome they are and would they like to jam; no, what I would do, is, I would maybe make sure my guitar amp and gear and microphone and whatever were set up and plugged in somewhere near the thermostat and then while your guest was turning the dial or pressing the control buttons or whatever, maybe pick up the guitar and strum a few chords and then casually say, "Oh, hey, you play, right? Cool." and sort of nod your head at the other guitar or whatever gear you've set our for him. Act casual, in other words, like he's just some ordinary dude who just happens to be a fellow musician, and creep up on it. Now, I hate to say it, but I'd also offer this advice: given the volatility of Foreigner's lineup over the years, you probably shouldn't try playing any Foreigner tunes. I know, I know, seems like it would defeat the purpose, right? But the last thing you want to do is piss the guy off by playing something written by a dude he always fought with or who sacked him fifteen years ago, right? I'd suggest playing some standard like "Gloria" or "Louie Louie", maybe, and if he responds by playing the opening to "Hot Blooded", dude, rock out. (If he tries playing "I Want To Know What Love Is", however, he's just being a dick. Show his ass the door.)

But if what you're wanting is an operator for your A/C--well, Doc, c'mon! Look, it's easy. First of all, that thing on your wall is a thermostat, and usually all you have to do is dial, punch-in or slide to a desired temperature*, and then there will be another button or switch for turning the A/C on or off, and possibly a switch or button for the fan. Turn the A/C and fan on, dial in the temperature, and voilà! Congratulations! You've successfully operated your A/C, and you didn't even need an elderly power balladeer's help!

Anyway, Doc, I hope that helps! I wish I could be more help than that, but, obviously, I'm one of the few Americans who hasn't ever played guitar, keyboards or bass for Foreigner. Though if that changes any time soon (and who knows, it might) I'll be happy to let you know and I can come over to fix your A/C. I'll make sure I learn the chords to "Feels Like The First Time" before I come over, so have your shit tuned up, man!








*Just make sure you know whether the numbers are Celsius or Fahrenheit. There's a really big difference between 78 and 78. One, see, is pleasantly cool, and the other isn't.

1 comments:

Phiala Monday, July 11, 2011 at 7:58:00 PM EDT  

Eric, I continue to be entirely enamored of you.

And did I ever tell you about the County Treasurer of the poor rural county I grew up in? The one who embezzled all the county's money and invested it in one of these? I did't think he thought he was a rock star, but obviously I was wrong.

Thanks for clearing that up.

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