An open letter to Ms. Laurie Smith

>> Saturday, July 30, 2011

Free Yourself of Harmful Toxins


From: LaurieSmith (
Sent: Thu 7/28/11 12:41 PM

Free Yourself of Harmful Toxins!

Purify and cleanse your body naturally

Flush away pounds and toxins

Lose weight fast

Try it Today! Click Here

Increase fat burning rate
Purify harmful toxins
Remove built up waste in the stomach lining
Faster absorption of vitamins,mineral, and amino acids

Send me my 14 Day Trial
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Dear Ms. Smith,

Hello, I am very interested in your program to free myself of harmful toxins. But I do have a question: do you have anything that is a little bit faster than a fourteen-day program?

Allow me to explain my need in some further detail. I was cleaning out a large patch of poison ivy in my backyard when I was suddenly and unexpectedly stung by a wasp or a bee. I didn't get a good look at it, ironically: I was going about my business removing the noxious weeds from my yard, the next instant my vision was filled with a seemingly vast shadow and I heard an angry buzzing like a chainsaw on steroids shrunk to the size of a postage stamp and then my left eye was abruptly full of hideous pain like nothing I have ever felt in my life. Technically, I'm not sure if the little bitch stung me on my eyeball or merely near it, but, frankly, I was not wont to make distinctions. Instead, I did something terribly stupid and completely understandable: as a reflex, I clapped my hands to my eyes--my hands which wore gloves covered with the irritating oil that poison ivy leaves constantly excrete to deter predation.

Within seconds, both of my eyes were swollen shut and I was stumbling about in the brush.

I don't know if you live in the southeastern United States or have visited the southeastern United States. You may or may not be aware that this region is the home of many different varieties of poisonous snake. There are, for instance, copperheads, water moccasins, a few varieties of rattlesnake and coral snakes. I don't know which one I stepped on, exactly, though I may make certain inferences by process of elimination. I didn't hear any rattled warning, which isn't dispositive but is certainly illuminating. I was not in or near a body of water, which rules out a cottonmouth unless it was one far from it's usual habitat. Coral snakes are to be found in my home state, but usually further east and they are not known for biting with enough force to inject as much poison as this bastard did through my heavy work boot. No, I think the odds are good that I was bit by at least one copperhead--repeatedly by one or individually by several.

By now, of course, I was in considerable pain. I staggered back to my house, performing a classic Three Stooges maneuver by stepping on a rake and having the handle thwack me in the face; I might have laughed had I not been in so much excruciating pain with my face swelling so that I imagine (I could not see this, obviously) my head looked much like a pumpkin in size, shape and even rough coloration. I also barked my shins on the steps when I limped inside, though that did finally dislodge a/the snake that was still clinging tenaciously to my foot.

I needed immediate medical attention, but thought it would be helpful if I could clear my vision and at least get some of the poison ivy oil rinsed from my face. Fortunately, I had a number of cleaning agents next to the door, as I figured I would need to use them as I removed my clothes after dealing with the poison ivy. Alas and alack! I had always assumed that the stories I'd heard about the risks of mixing ammonia and bleach were something of an urban legend.

You may have heard the saying that when you assume you "make an 'ass' of 'u' and 'me'"? I don't know if that's true, but I can say that in this instance, when I assumed, I made an explosive mix of chlorine gas, nitrogen trichloride and hydrazine, the latter (I am told) being an ingredient in rocket fuels. Had my eyes been capable of opening at this point, it's quite possible I would have been blinded by the blast; as things stand, I have inadvertently inhaled a substantial quantity of chlorine gas, a chemical that (as you may be aware) was used as a chemical warfare agent in the First World War.

I also found myself with a head on fire, an effect which I'm sure was quite dazzling if I'd been capable of (a) vision and (b) sitting back contemplatively and enjoying an aesthetic experience of viewing myself with all of my hair in flames. Instead, tearing my swollen lips open to scream in agony, I grabbed for the nearest towel and wrapped my head in it.

Did you know that a significant number of human encounters with the highly poisonous brown recluse spider occur when a human uses an item the spider has chosen to nest, hide or retire in? E.g. a shoe, a shirt, a sock or, (most relevant to this account) a towel? Yes, well this is something I have recently had cause to learn, and let me tell you: a brown recluse bite is some of the most hideous pain a human being can suffer, perhaps only secondary to having a bee (or wasp) sting one's eyeball or inhaling a substantial quantity of chlorine gas. A snakebite (or several), however egregious and discomfiting, doesn't really come close.

Thus, as I lie here, prostrate upon the floor, in all likelihood dying of, well, quite a number of things at this point, I found myself recalling my e-mail folder and your generous offer of some kind of relief from toxins. Toxins, sister, I gots them and how! Aside from the chlorine gas, I am not sure any of these poisons would be individually fatal, but at the moment they are causing me considerable pain and discomfort and could, in toto, possibly lead to my imminent demise in a span well under two weeks; besides which, even if I could soldier through without being a pathetic whiner about the situation (which, I must confess, is entirely my own fault subsequent to the bee sting), keeping the stiff upper lip, showing some spine, etc., well: I'm honestly not sure I'd want to. This shit hurts, actually, and quite a lot.

So if you have anything that would remove toxins at a very rapid rate--say within the next fifteen minutes, or before my lungs fill with fluid and I drown on my own juices, yes, I would pay any sum of money you could name and I could lay my swollen, cracked, burned, yellow-with-leaking-pus hands upon and give it to you. I would give you my house and all my possessions and call it a bargain if you could purge me of my toxins right now, before I expire.

If you don't, well--I figured it wouldn't hurt to ask. (About the only thing that wouldn't hurt right now, too.)

R. Eric VanNewkirk
Standing On The Shoulders Of Giant Midgets


I could also afford to lose the few pounds like you say.


Nathan Saturday, July 30, 2011 at 12:53:00 PM EDT  

I don't mean to call you out on your own blog, but I have serious doubts about your veracity. If you had, indeed, suffered all of these mishaps, it's almost inconceivable that you wouldn't have also stepped on and punctured your foot with a rusty nail moments before crashing through a picture window. You probably would have bled out before having an opportunity to write any of this. Or to have developed lockjaw.

Eric Saturday, July 30, 2011 at 1:34:00 PM EDT  

How did you know about the trip to the hospital?

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