"Frivolous"?! I'll show you frivolous, you don't know the meaning of the word!

>> Monday, October 10, 2011

Oh. My. Gosh. This is awesome. A Michigan woman is suing the studio responsible for the Ryan Gosling movie Drive because it disappointed her:

"Drive bore very little similarity to a chase, or race action film… having very little driving in the motion picture," the suit continues. "Drive was a motion picture that substantially contained extreme gratuitous defamatory dehumanizing racism directed against members of the Jewish faith, and thereby promoted criminal violence against members of the Jewish faith.["]

Deming is seeking a refund for her movie ticket, in addition to halting the production of "misleading movie trailers" in the future. The plaintiff intends to turn her individual case into a class action lawsuit, thereby allowing fellow movie-goers an opportunity to share in the settlement, reports Detroit's WDIV-TV.

You may think this is ridiculous. I don't. I hope she wins. Not because I've seen Drive--I haven't, I want to, I've heard it's really pretty good, the reviews are intriguing--but because I can think of all sorts of people I'll be suing if she prevails and establishes a solid precedent. Oh my gods, do you have any idea how many awful movies I've seen over the course of my lifetime? And if we can get this extended to books and music, I will be rolling around in loose change, seriously. Speaking of loose change! I have felt cheated by so many video games over the past several decades, ranging from coin-op arcade machines to home console games I've purchased, holy shit, I've been screwed by tons of games that had awesome trailers, only to discover the trailers showed nothing more than the cutscenes (possibly all of the cutscenes, too) and the actual gameplay was frustrating, the graphics atrocious and the sound irritating.

"I'm in the mon-eeeeey, I'm in the mon-eeeeeeey. Doop-doop-de-do-doop-doop...."

I know it's totally clichéd and predictable at this point, but I am totally starting with George Lucas. Okay, (a), deep pockets; (b) lots of good class action potential, though that could be a double-edged sword, I know. Plus, (c) I think we might be able to get him on Crystal Skull, too. ("Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, one word: refrigerator. The plaintiffs rest their case.") Also, (d), I totally want to see Lucas stomp out of the courtroom, raise his fists in the air on the courthouse steps and shout, "Nooooooooooo!"

It's gonna be the nazz.

And where do we go from there? We're gonna make a list, we're gonna file suits everywhere. After movies, let's hit the TV shows. (Ron Moore, I saw what you did in that Battlestar Galactica series finale, and it caused me pain. And suffering. And emotional distress. And my neck's been bothering me.) And then the books; gahddammit, R.A. Salvatore, I read a Star Wars novel you wrote (Star Wars again, dammit!), the one where you murdered Chewbacca, and I don't hold that against you, no, but I demand compensation for all that turgid mother-daughter-girl-you'll-be-a-woman-soon horseshit between Princess Leia and Jaina Solo. (I had to read some of it aloud to some friends at the time. I'm sorry: they laughed, too.)

But here's what we're not going to do. We are not going to sue bloggers. I don't care how many times I they may have disappointed you with some half-assed post they didn't think through, some garbage you didn't care about, threw up some lazily-and-hastily chosen embedded video clip of a song you didn't like or comedy clip you didn't think was funny, or made you look at pictures of my their cats. Ounce-for-ounce, bloggers provide the world with quality entertainment at a bargain price, and if a blogger happens to disappoint you, well, gosh, it's really your own damn fault. I mean, I've never run any advertising for this blog, but if I did, what would you expect me to say? "Oh, Jesus, no, please don't read this horseshit, it is appalling, why don't you turn the computer off and go for a walk or something..."? No, I'm going to tell you that this blog cures cancer1 and will buy you a large McDonald's fries.2 In short, I would lie about the quality of this blog. What I'd do, in fact, is I'd probably just pull a bunch of clips and quotes out of context and assemble them into some kind of rapid-fire delivery to convey to you the sense that this blog was totally sweet and boss in the hope you wouldn't tumble to the fact it's a bit less sweet and less boss than all that after you'd paid me any money I might be asking (if I were asking) for the opportunity to let you read it. Which is something you already know I'd probably do and how that kind of advertising works, because you're not stupid.

Anyway, no blogger suits, free game on everybody else. That work for you? Cool.

1This blog is not actually making a medical or therapeutic claim, has not been approved or endorsed by the FDA or any other government agency, and in fact has never been evaluated for cancer-curing and almost certainly won't cure actual, real cancer, for which you should probably see some kind of actual, real doctor, because (a) reading a blog really is unlikely to cure cancer and (b) seriously, if any blog out there did somehow cure cancer, it really wouldn't be this one. Out of all the non-cancer-curing blogs on the Internet, Standing On The Shoulders Of Giant Midgets is the least-curingest... or most-non-curing... really, whichever formulation of that works best for you, you get the picture.

2Offer expired.


Jeri Monday, October 10, 2011 at 1:42:00 PM EDT  

Will you represent me when I file my suit against AMC for ending Breaking Bad next year? I figure we've got plenty of time to pull together a fine, fine case based on the mental anguish and psychological torment I will suffer due to withdrawal symptoms caused purposely by the defendants. They KNEW full and well that people would become addicted to their show, and with negligence aforethought, bordering on cruel and inhumane, they are ending the series in 2012. Such a travesty cannot go unpunished. I figure if they pay for my dental work for the next two years, and your legal fees, I'm good.

I'm also from Michigan, so will follow this case with bated breath to see how our legal system handles this extremely important issue.

Nathan Monday, October 10, 2011 at 4:54:00 PM EDT  

Offer Expired

As soon as I get around to changing my banner again, that's gonna be my tagline!

Eric Monday, October 10, 2011 at 5:13:00 PM EDT  

Offer Expired.

Like Mr. Waits once said, the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.

Nathan Monday, October 10, 2011 at 5:50:00 PM EDT  


I finished my Battlestar Galactica extravaganza over the weekend and...PeeeeU. Sorry wrapup.

Where do I sign up to join the class?

Dr. Phil (Physics) Monday, October 10, 2011 at 9:55:00 PM EDT  


As in mismanaged by the network.

I aim to get me some satisfaction.

Dr. Phil

Tom Friday, October 14, 2011 at 2:26:00 PM EDT  

Hehe. (plans on being an innocent bystander, laughing at both sides)

prockin: Oh come on!

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