The replacements

>> Monday, January 09, 2012

The proposal to draft [Hillary Clinton] in place of President Obama this year is preposterous. It exaggerates his vulnerability and discounts Hillary’s loyalty. But the idea that she should replace Joe Biden as Obama’s running mate in 2012 is something else. It has been kicking around on the blogs for more than a year without getting any traction, mainly because it has been authoritatively, emphatically dismissed by Hillary, Biden and Team Obama.

It’s time to take it seriously.
-Bill Keller, "Just the Ticket",
The New York Times, January 8th, 2011


No, it's not time to take it seriously. With all due respect to Mr. Keller, whose sources clearly are not up to snuff with the contacts inside the White House that Standing On The Shoulders Of Giant Midgets has generated as an important and vital liberal conduit for issues close to the President's heart (such as the canonicity of various contributions to the Star Wars Expanded Universe and which writer since Robert E. Howard has had the best grasp on the character of Howard's greatest creation, Conan The Cimmerian) it is time to get used to the idea that Hillary Clinton will replace Joe Biden in the Vice-President slot.

But that isn't all. Joe Biden will not be going to State. He will be going to Interior. Mr. Biden has become convinced during his tenure as Vice-President that one of the most pressing and overlooked issues facing the country is the status of the National Park System, and he has pledged that his first act as Secretary Of The Interior will be to make a personal tour of all of the nation's National Parks, starting with the ones with the best fishing and nicest lookouts for Jill Biden to take up photography again, and proceeding down the list of all parks that have the proper facilities for him and Ms. Biden to hook up the sanitation line of the ginormous RV the government will be procuring for the inspection tour.

Canny observers of the Administration will realize that this changeover will have the unfortunate effect of displacing the current Secretary Of The Interior, Kenneth Salazar. Those expecting Mr. Salazar to leave the Administration, however, are in for a surprise: Mr. Salazar, who throws really excellent parties, apparently, is too vital a resource to be lost and will in fact be taking up the helm of The Office Of Management And Budget.

Current OMB head Jacob Lew, as everyone knows, is a natural fit for the Department Of Homeland Security, however this means that DHS chief Janet Napolitano will need to be nominated for Secretary Of Defense. Current Defense Secretary Leon Panetta must therefore, inevitably, go to Commerce, and John Bryson will replace Eric Holder at Justice. Holder, an old friend of Obama's, will take up the reorganization of Education, while Arne Duncan is moved to Veterans Affairs, a position that will be made vacant by Eric Shinseki's lifelong dream as a model train enthusiast to head the Department Of Transportation. Happily, Ray LaHood has long wanted to head the Department Of Energy, which is as good an excuse as any for Steven Chu to become Secretary Of Labor.

One might expect, given the level of reorganization involved, that current Secretary Of Labor Hilda Solis would move to another cabinet position, but (as it happens) this will only be half-true: Ms. Solis will continue to serve as co-Secretary Of Labor with Mr. Chu on alternating Wednesdays while sharing Department Of Agriculture responsibilities with Thomas Vilsack, who will also take on the mantle of Health And Human Services from Kathleen Sebelius, who will become the Secretary Of Housing And Urban Development while Shaun Donovan takes over the Treasury from Timothy Geithner. Mr. Geithner will, naturally, be relocating to the Environmental Protection Agency, and Lisa Jackson will then become the 45th President Of The United States if Barack Obama is re-elected.

Mr. Obama, who continues to be popular abroad and who (like many before him) has obviously been aged by his experience as President but still wishes to serve his country in a capacity that builds on his obvious communication skills, legal talents and natural knack for the kinds of wonkish intricacy one collides with while attempting to navigate the bureaucratic morass of Foggy Bottom, is a natural fit for Secretary Of State, and Standing On The Shoulders Of Giant Midgets is pleased to be the first blog on the Internet to congratulate the President on his new position. He may even find, if he so wishes, that State is an ideal launchpad for any presidential ambitions he may harbor. We wish him well.




(H/t Alex Pareene at Salon.)





4 comments:

Nick from the O.C.,  Tuesday, January 10, 2012 at 10:25:00 AM EST  

This post was amusing and brought a smile to my face. I was also amused because it was outdated literally within minutes of being posted.

Which simply exemplifies the perils of trying to predict the near future.

Keep on trying, though!

timb111 Tuesday, January 10, 2012 at 3:30:00 PM EST  

I'm glad your analysis has clearly shown how the way will be opened for Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper will become President of the United States.

Eric Tuesday, January 10, 2012 at 5:27:00 PM EST  

Dammit, timb, Internet etiquette is to mark online spoilers! ***SPOILERS*** Yes, Mr. Harper is going to become President, but only after a special appearance by Matt Smith. ***END SPOILERS***

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