>> Sunday, April 01, 2012

Well, this is it. A painful announcement that I have to make, and I've been putting it off as long as I can.

I'm ending Standing On The Shoulders Of Giant Midgets.

I don't know if this actually affects anyone or not. I know I have a small but loyal following, and I hear a lot of stuff back from folks who read the blog but don't necessarily comment on it, sometimes on Facebook and sometimes in person. I appreciate the support, I really do.

The thing is, this blog is a lot of work. And what I'm coming to realize is that there is absolutely nothing in this world that is worth doing unless you're paid for it, and paid well. Sure, like a lot of suckers, I rationalized away the time I wasted writing post after post after post, calling it a "labor of love" and "writing practice" and "amusing myself". But the reality is that I've been in complete denial. This blog just isn't turning a profit for me, and it just logically follows that it's a complete and utter waste of time for me to be doing it at all.

I simply can't justify the time I'm wasting here. And, for that matter, on writing in general. As I evaluate where I am in life--I turned forty earlier this year (you probably don't know because I don't really acknowledge my birthday), and I've been doing a complete reappraisal of my life and career. And the conclusion I cannot escape is that in this life, money is how we keep score, and I am just not making a good showing on the boards. I'm spending my time writing, listening to music, hanging out with friends, enjoying the time I spend with the woman I've fallen in love with, watching movies, reading books, playing videogames, petting my cat, sleeping--and what do I have to show for it?

Not enough. Not nearly enough.

And what of my so-called job? "Helping" people? Really? Is that how I rationalize my "career". I have a law degree, for fuck's sake: I ought to be driving an expensive new car that signifies the ridiculous number of points I've posted instead of a used mid-range German compact, the primary feature of which is a fraying and frayed ragtop. A condo in the local boho district when I could be in a nice gated community that only lets the right people in. A swimming pool that I don't have time to use because I'm always on the clock, but it shows off how I have the money to maintain a swimming pool I never use. A little Mexican man to maintain the pool and the lawn, Jesus or Carlos or something like that I can't remember because frankly I didn't look at his papers too closely when I agreed to pay him under the table for maintaining the pool I don't use and the yard I haven't actually seen (the realtor just assured me it was big, and I paid for a big yard); anyway, I basically own the dude. And the maid, who may or may not be his wife or something--she may be a Puerto Rican and I don't know whether Mexicans or Puerto Ricans ever get married or not. This is the lifestyle I could be having if I wasn't dicking off so much with this so-called "writing" bullshit and a dead-end public sector career where all I do is help people who have made "mistakes" as opposed to people who have made their first million before graduating from college.

I am so sick of the 99%, especially the part where I'm one of them. I'm out. I'm quitting all this extraneous stuff where I waste my time trying to make the world better and I'm focusing on making me better, specifically the part of me I like to call "my bank account".

We're done here. I don't know if you'll miss me. I'd probably miss you except I doubt I will have time while I'm working, and when I'm not working I imagine I'll be snorting cocaine off of expensive whores just so I can show everyone I'm the kind of guy who can afford to (a) snort cocaine (b) off of expensive whores. Or models or starlets or whatever they call themselves. If they are willing to humiliate themselves for money, I will definitely be all about that, primarily to boost my score by demonstrating, again, that I have money and can afford to humiliate people with low self-esteem. (Yes, I know you can do that on the cheap, but that isn't the point, now is it?)

For that matter, I may even allow myself to be humiliated for money. Points is points. So I got an extra half-mil for sacrificing dignity or ethics or some other valueless bullshit? So what? Is anybody going to care what I did to get this rich?

Aside from my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, I mean. Oh yeah--I'm also converting to evangelical Christianity. Did I forget to mention that part?

God bless.


Phiala Sunday, April 1, 2012 at 7:29:00 AM EDT  

I've been expecting this for some time now. I mean, there's only so long someone as smart as you can go on deluding himself. After all, I just claim to be a government scientist because it's too tiring to explain the whole edifice that Supports my wealth and power.

You'll be so much happier.

Janiece Sunday, April 1, 2012 at 9:14:00 AM EDT  

Obviously the Libertarian Trolls have shown you the error of your ways. I shall now re-evaluate my entire life's construct.

Also: when I saw this feed on Facebook, I was saddened, so now I think you're a dick. See? You're already on the right path!

Ilya Sunday, April 1, 2012 at 10:29:00 AM EDT  

Not a bad entry for an April Fools Day!

Steve Buchheit Sunday, April 1, 2012 at 11:10:00 AM EDT  

These "points" you're talking about, those are like Green Stamps, yes?

Nathan Sunday, April 1, 2012 at 12:52:00 PM EDT  

It's about time you irritating Godless Putz!

Jeri Sunday, April 1, 2012 at 2:28:00 PM EDT  

Is this when you endorse Ron Paul for the presidency, too? :)

Whether April Fool's piece or no - many of us HAVE been telling you that you could be writing your bloggy stuff for MONEY on some site that'd pay you. Except they'd probably annoy you too badly to stick around long. (Case in point: HuffPo.)

Dr. Phil (Physics) Sunday, April 1, 2012 at 3:10:00 PM EDT  

Good riddance. About time.

Oh, this a joke? Um, never mind.

Dr. Phil

Konstantin Burlak Sunday, April 1, 2012 at 6:19:00 PM EDT  

I have so many conflicting emotions that they more or less cancel each other out. This results in: Meh!

CJandErik Monday, April 2, 2012 at 12:32:00 AM EDT  

I was so sure you were growing up.

Kathy Monday, April 2, 2012 at 4:18:00 PM EDT  

Dude, I almost fell for that. For about three sentences.

Tom Tuesday, April 3, 2012 at 1:42:00 PM EDT  

It's NOT FAIR! I don't see this until 4/3, when all thought of ApeFoo is completely gone from my mind, and I get taken in for more than 3 sentences.

But finally, dawn breaks over MarbleHead, and I catch a clue.

Bravo, sir! Well played.

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