An open letter to Enlargement pils Free Sample

>> Thursday, July 19, 2012

See the desire in her eyes

Enlargemen​t pils Free Sample

From: Enlargement pils Free Sample (
Sent: Wed 7/18/12 11:47 PM

Scare people with your tool today


Dear Enlargement pils Free Sample,

I received your e-mail today and am very intrigued. I think we don't need much help scaring people with our tool, which is more than sufficient, but I was wondering if you would be willing to trade notes, as you sound like somebody whose hobbies are similar to ours.

When Mom and I first started out, we didn't really pay much attention to our tool. We would just raid the kitchen and grab the first thing that came to hand, unless that was something like a wooden spoon (though that would have been interesting to try, I admit). The problem was, obviously, that maybe you don't want to use the same Victorinox 47521 or 47645 in the kitchen after a long basement session. No matter how many times you wash it, you still start worrying you might catch something, you know? Mom is really obsessive about germs, she was always afraid I would catch something if I spent too much time around other children, especially girls. I know it's completely unreasonable, but on the other hand, if we didn't care about containing messes, we wouldn't use a tarp.

So it was kind of inevitable we would eventually turn to something else. I guess we watched too many movies, because the first thing we went to when we decided the kitchen tools weren't cutting it (haha--see what I did there?) was get an Echo 18" 40.2cc Gas Chainsaw, CS-400-18. That was a big mistake. I'm not knocking the machine itself, which is probably really useful in the backyard or out in the woods or something like that, but try using it in a basement. We were deaf for a week. Plus the thing would get sort of, I don't know, gummed up, and then one time we broke a chain when we pushed through to the middle and that was a mess. Also, when it did work, it worked too well. That probably sounds weird. But you'd push all the way through the limb and next thing you know there's a huge mess way out past where the tarp is spread out to plus pressure drops to nothing almost instantaneously and you lose responsiveness. It's all over in seconds, pretty much. You're trying to scare someone with your tool, and the tool puts all your hard work in the parking lot to waste, well--that's not the right tool, I'm saying.

So where we are now, is, I had this epiphany when I saw that movie by the guys who did Dumb And Dumber, the one about the guy who finds a bunch of money then gets chased by the white guy from Men In Black, Woody from Cheers and an Indian. I was disappointed because it wasn't nearly as funny as I expected it to be and it had some stuff in it Mom wouldn't have liked if she'd been with me, like some of the cussing and all the whores in it and stuff like that. But the Indian guy goes around with this thing I latter found out was called a "captive-bolt gun," which isn't really a gun at all--I mean, it doesn't shoot bullets or anything like that. So I went home and told Mom about it, and I thought it was kind of a bad idea at first because it sounded so quick, but then I convinced Mom we didn't have to go right for the head, you could start with, for instance, feet.

So anyway, what Mom and I do now, is, we actually have two tools. First, we get kind of warmed up with a Magrath Stock Shock 22/38ESP, which is really reliable and can be relied on to just work as long as you keep it charged up (and the battery life is great). And then when we get tired of that, I switch over to a Schermer KR Stunner with the C-5 Yellows, starting on the outside and working my way in until Mom gets bored and it's time to wrap everything up. (Sometimes, just for old times' sake, I go up to the kitchen and we get a knife.)

So that's the tool we use to scare people, or tools, the Magrath and the Schermer. What do you use?

[name withheld at authors' request]


John Healy Thursday, July 19, 2012 at 2:27:00 PM EDT  

Well, I'm scared. Scared I've been missing out all my life. Are vanilla vise-grips and a ballpeen hammer satisfying enough in this mixed-up world anymore? I'll be e-mailing those folks as soon as I can finish this comment. Thank you Mr. VanNewkirk, I mean anonymous responder.

timb111 Thursday, July 19, 2012 at 3:43:00 PM EDT  

Since falls are the leading cause of home injuries we just take them to the top of the stairs a few times and let the fear sink in. You have to make sure they're bound up pretty good before letting go though. We missed that step the first couple of times and had a heck a time recapturing them. Fortunately we have razorback hogs.

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