Tales from the spam folder: my family likes me in skirts

>> Tuesday, July 24, 2012

On the other hand you could possibly re-wear a dress this is from a family member.
, Howdy! This is kind of off topic but I need some advice from an established blog. Is it difficult to set up your own blog? I'm not very techincal but I can figure things out pretty quick. I'm thinking about making my own but I'm not sure where to begin. Do you have any ideas or suggestions? Appreciate it
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Anonymous responds to
"The good, the bad, and the ugly news",
Monday, July 23rd, 2012

Hi, Mom!

Let me just allow that while green does suit me and goes with my eyes, I really didn't like what the hemline did to my legs. (I'm sure it would be better if I shaved them, but come on: I'm a guy, Mom!) Also, I just don't have the hips for that waistline, and I think someone really ought to wear fuck-me pumps with that number and I just don't have the ankles for them and they're hell on my back. I probably fell sideways, like, eighteen times just getting to the escalator and we won't even get into how much of a mistake that was. I don't know how women do it.

Unless you meant that strapless thing that kept falling down because I have no tits unless you count my manboobs. Not enough for that number, which kept wanting to slide down, anyway, though I guess someone else would be popping out, so maybe it's a disaster regardless. Anyhow, I could wear that with flats, yeah, I just don't think puce does a goddamn thing for my complexion.

But you really wanted to talk about blogging, not crimes against humanity authorized by the previous presidential administration and largely ignored by the current one. Fair enough. It's probably something I should cover sometime.

At the risk of telling you something you already know, I think you start your blog at the lumberyard. Unless you're doing something fancy with rebar, but that's pretty hard to work with unless you're pretty good with welding. The thing here is, you don't want to get halfway through your blog and discover you don't have enough boards to prop up the back end.

You also don't want to get too far ahead of yourself, okay? Like, for instance, you can wait and get the carpeting and mirrorballs after you've poured the cement and gotten the larger parts of the superstructure done. And there's no point in procuring the mice until you're good and ready to go live, seeing as how putting a blog together might take months or years, and at best you'll be buying way too much food for them and changing their cages in the meantime, at worst you'll end up going through a whole bunch of mice while construction continues. (Let me add that while some bloggers prefer horses, I find mice much easier to work with and less likely to get stuck in the valves. I appreciate the power and majesty an equestrian brings to any project, but have you ever tried to get one in or out of a nine-inch-diameter PVC tube?)

Assuming you have a good supply of wood and also, probably, enough concrete for the foundation, several hundred yards of sailcloth, and some paint, probably the next place to really start is at the bottom. Again, that probably sounds like I think you're stupid, but that's not the case and you would be surprised at how many bloggers think they can start at the middle and work their way out, only to discover they have nothing to connect the waterwheel to. Disaster! Or they start at the top and plan to work their way down and end up with an electrical fire or excessive humidity in the comments section. No, start at the bottom and build your way up; yes, it may mean that you have to hold all the yarn in your teeth and keep the hooks in place with your toes while you hammer the mainwheel back onto its axle, and it's a very difficult position to hold (not as difficult as wobbling up an escalator in nine inch heels, but I digress), but it's worth it when you hear the tuning fork hum for the first time and watch the little rooster spin around on the weathervane.

Things to avoid include crystal fittings. Yes, they look spectacular when the backlinks page slips out of the drydock, but they get very dirty and are prone to break in heavy weather. Transparent plastic is no good, as it tends to scratch; clear plastic tarps look cheap.

And, speaking of cheap: don't try to scrimp on bedsprings. Yes, I know, plenty of blogging guides say you can get by with remaindered springs or inexpensive ones, but ask yourself if you really want that many loose thumbtacks between the steam whistle and the gravy faucet? A nice long blast or an extra splurt of gravy, and where do you think those thumbtacks are going to go? Yeah, right in someone's eye, probably.

Troll traps are overrated, but broom handles are almost necessary. It doesn't really matter whether the broom handle comes from a push-broom or a standard broom, just don't substitute a mop handle and think nobody knows the difference.

Also, keep in mind: a little lighter fluid goes a long way.

In the blogging context, I've never really noticed much difference between transparent gift-wrap tape and duct tape, though this may be because I've generally used spackle here at Giant Midgets.

Do: plug leaks before all the helium leaks out, it's hard to replace and it'll totally burn out the cooling system. Don't: worry too much about water getting in the hold, as a decent, inexpensive bicycle pump is usually sufficient to get things to manageable levels, especially if you took my advice about mice over horses.

Do Not Under Any Circumstances: misplace your goose. Let me emphasize that: losing your goose is very, very bad. (Exception: if you have one of those newfangled gooseless apparatuses, obviously you're fine without a goose, though I have no idea what happens if the narwhal gets tangled in spiderwebs and dies.)

If you have a political blog, be careful with the placement of prepositions. Entertainment and pop culture blogs are generally more forgiving as long as you keep the microscope stage greased and don't let the bacon burn. If your bacon does burn, do not use the spatula to scrape it off the doily, even if it seems obvious the spatula is right there and close at hand: you need an unbaconed spatula to keep the hippopotamuses at bay if a Gawker site ever links to your blog.

Hiring a lighthouse keeper to guest blog on alternate Wednesdays may seem like a convenience and stress-saver at first, but I have learned the hard way: they tend to invite their friends for cribbage, and before you know it, your blog is infested by lighthouse keepers. They drink all your brandy and you find their curled up corpses in all your tupperware, you walk into the kitchen and turn on a light and there's a hundred of them swarming out from underneath the refrigerator and cupboards. (If this happens to you, a long stick with a bicycle reflector is your best friend, but you'll be happier if it doesn't come to that.)

The grapefruit is mainly decorative and you can skip it unless you just really, really like grapefruit.

And that's pretty much everything I know about starting a blog! Good luck!


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