Best of SOTSOGM: An open letter to Mrs. Mrs.Joy Daku

>> Thursday, November 08, 2012

I don't know if anyone else loved this one as much as I did, but this was definitely one of my personal favorite open letters.  There is surprising joy in putting yourself in the paws of a creature for whom every single moment is either some kind of excitement, or sleep.  This first appeared July 25th, 2011.

Mrs.Joy Daku

Mrs.Joy Daku

From: Mrs.Joy Daku (
Sent: Wed 7/20/11 11:09 PM

Hello My Dear,

It is a pleasure meeting you today, my name is Mrs.Joy Daku living in Abidjan
Cote d'Ivoire. It might surprise you receiving a letter like this from unknown

I lost my husband when he went to Bouake (Northern part of Cote d'Ivoire)to
negotiate for the establishment of cocoa processing factory by the rebels who
wanted to take over the Government. Before his death in hospital, he
briefly me
information about the fund (US$10.5 Millions) he deposited with a bank here.

Since the death of my husband, his brothers have been seriously chasing me
around with constant treats, trying to suppress me so that they might have the
documents of his landed properties and confiscate them.They have successfully
collected all his properties, yet they never stopped there, they told me to
surrender all bank accounts of my late husband,which I did, but I
never disclose
to them of this deposit. Because my husband made the deposit in a
suspense fixed
account with a clause attached to it for onward transfer into a
foreign account.

Now that the situation is becoming uncontrollable because of pressure
on me from
the family, which I will no longer like to take more risk staying here with my
only son who is just Seven year old, I am now soliciting for your help
to stand
as my foreign business partner to receive the fund into your account. You will
help me to invest the money into real estate once I come over there
with my son.

If you agree to work with me, I will give you 15% as your commission
and also 5%
for any expenses you might incur, all making 20% which you will deduct
from the
total money once transferred into your account.

I am waiting for your reply so that I will give you more details about this
transfer. Please call me here: +22545782749
Have a nice day,
Mrs.Joy Daku

This message was sent using IMP, the Internet Messaging Program.

Dear Mrs. Mrs.Joy Daku,

Hello! I was so hurt when I saw your thing on the computer! Oh! It made me so mad, I had to do the things I do when I was mad until I forgot why I was mad, and then I went and had a nap and I had the dream about the thing and then I woke up! And when I woke up I couldn't remember why I was mad so I had a snack and then I saw your thing on the computer, and, oo! I was so mad again! I hear a noise!

My own life experiences are a lot like yours! I didn't lose a husband, though! I lost a best friend! His name was Mr. Squeaky Thing and he squeaked a lot! Or squoke! I forget which it is! I lost Mr. Squeaky Thing and I was very sad and then I had a new friend and it was Mr. Pulltug but Mr. Pulltug doesn't squeak and he isn't as much fun as Mr. Squeaky Thing was! But when I read you lost your husband, I immediately wondered if your husband sqouke! Does he know Mr. Squeaky Thing?

When I lost Mr. Squeaky Thing I cried a lot! I cried a lot and then people chased me with constant treats just like you! The treats were chewy and when I was chewing I forgot all about Mr. Squeaky Thing but then when I swallowed I went to where Mr. Squeaky Thing lives and he wasn't there! And then I remembered that Mr. Squeaky Thing sometimes goes under the couch but when I looked under the couch he wasn't there, either, so then I looked where he lives and he wasn't there! It was awful so I put my head under my bed and cried and everybody called me a big baby and I thought they would chase me with treats again but they were mean and they didn't! They hate me! I love them! I love you! Vacuum cleaners are scary! Do you hear that noise?

Hello, will you be my friend?

I thought they were chasing me with treats because I'm a good boy yes I am I am a very good boy yes I am but now I see they were just suppressing me like you said and that makes me angry! When I'm angry I like to shout but sometimes I can't remember what I'm shouting at! And then I feel dumb and they laugh at me and I hang my head and go to my bed and try to hide but sometimes I think they can see me even though I lie very, very still! But then they ask me who's a big goofy guy and give me a belly massage and I am happy because I am a big goofy guy, that's me! They're talking about me! Do you like belly massages! Belly massages are the best! No, the park is the best! Car rides are the best! Little kids are the best! Big piles of poop are the best! This piece of dust under the computer is the best! Mr. Squeaky Thing is the best! Mr. Squeaky Thing! Mr. Squeaky Thing! Where is Mr. Squeaky Thing? Have you seen Mr. Squeaky Thing?

Mr. Squeaky Thing isn't where he lives! Mr. Squeaky Thing isn't under the couch! If Mr. Squeaky Thing isn't under the couch, maybe he's where he lives! Mr. Squeaky Thing isn't where he lives! I am sad! I am sad! Sad! Sad! Sad! Who are you? I am happy!

There is a bird in the tree outside! He is a big bird and I would like to catch him and then I could chase my boss with the treat and he would say I was good and ask me if I was goofy! And I would say I am a big goofy guy and we would go for a walk and I would go get things and they would be treats for my boss and I would chase my boss with treats and he would chase me and we would roll around on the ground and I would go smell a stranger's butt and the stranger would smell my butt and we would be best friends! Can I smell your butt? Smell my butt! What's that noise? I like all noises that aren't the vacuum cleaner! Do you like all noises that aren't the vacuum cleaner? Hello!

Oh no! Your husband's brothers are seriously chasing you! There is somebody seriously chasing me, too! He is always there! He is always serious! He never leaves me alone! He is chasing me right now! But when I turn to look he is gone! I turn to look! Where is he? I turn to look! Where did he go? I turn to look! Where is he? He is following me! When I catch him, I will bite him and that will sure show him! Where did he go? I almost had him! Ha! You are mine! Ouch! Who did that? Someone just bit me! That was mean! There's that noise again! Do you hear the noise?

What is this? This is a message on the computer! It is from you! Hello! Oh no! You lost a husband! I know exactly how you feel! I lost Mr. Squeaky Thing! He is my best friend! Did you tell me if your husband knows Mr. Squeaky Thing? Maybe he knows Mr. Pulltug! Ask him if he knows Mr. Pulltug! Mr. Pulltug is fun but Mr. Pulltug is no Mr. Squeaky Thing! Why? Why? Why, Mr. Squeaky Thing? Why aren't you where you live? Why aren't you under the couch? Squeaky! Squeaky! Squeaky!

I have to bite an itchy spot! It's all better now! I don't like itchy spots!

I must lick myself now!

Hello! A car is coming!

Somebody's here! There's a car! There's a car and somebody is here! Somebody's here! Is it my boss? There's a car and somebody is here! My boss! My boss is here! Hello, I must goodbye but do not be sad if you throw a thing I will always bring it back to you unless it should be on my bed and then I will bring it to my bed and you can't have it I am biting it it is mine! Goodbye! Hello! My boss! Oops! Hit send and close! Boss hooray boss! My boss is the best thing ever I love my boss! Hit send and close!


TimBo Thursday, November 8, 2012 at 1:44:00 PM EST  

Whosa a good boy? Whosa a good boy? Eric's a good boy! Yes, Eric's a good boy! Good boy Eric! Good post! Yes Eric, good post! That's a good boy Eric!

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