Best of SOTSOGM: An open letter to Barrister Donald Smith, Esq.

>> Friday, November 16, 2012

This is the one that started it all, on June 5th, 2010.

The idea was supposed to be that all these people are playing this global cat-and-mouse death bingo, where players are placing outrageous bets and then drawing from a hat or wire cage or whatever to see who has the worst outcome.  So, like, drawing  "D-208" might mean your face gets chewed off by rats, but you win Bob's car from him because he drew "H-90" and had his entire lower body removed.  Or something.  I was warped by Roald Dahl's "Man From The South" at an early age, or maybe I saw the Alfred Hitchcock Presents version first and was warped by that.  Either way.  I'm sure that lighter was about to crap out when she interrupted them.

Attention Dear Friend,
From: Donald Smith (

Sent: Thu 6/03/10 11:31 PM

Attention Dear Friend,

How are you doing? Hope you have not forgotten me; I am Barr.Donald Smith, I and my colleagues have contacted you some time ago to Assist us secure the release of some money accrued from the Over invoicing of a Contract/Inheritance, Next Of Kin and Lottery Payment with ATM/CBN.

Though you were not able to assists us conclude the Transaction complete, I'm happy to inform you about my success in getting those Funds transferred under the assistance and cooperation of a new partner from UK.

I have been waiting for you since to contact me for your Confirmable Bank Draft of $6.2 Million United States Dollars, but I did not hear from you since that time.Then I went and deposited the Draft with APEX COURIER SERVICE,Now I traveled out of the country for a 3 Months Course/Investment project with my new partner And I will not come back till three months time.

What you have to do now is to contact the APEX COURIER SERVICE as soon As possible to know when they will deliver your package to you because Of the expiring date on the draft. For your information, I have paid for the Delivering Charge, Insurance premium and Clearance Certificate Fee of The Cheque showing that it is not a Drug Money or meant to sponsor Terrorist attack in your Country.

The only money you will send to APEX COURIER SERVICE to deliver Your Draft direct to your postal Address in your country is ($210 US) Dollars only being Security Keeping Fee only. Again, don't be deceived by anybody to pay any other money except $210.00US Dollars.We would have paid that but they said no because they Don't know when you will contact them and in case of demurrage. You have To contact the APEX COURIER SERVICE now for the delivery of your Draft With this information bellow;

Telephone +234 8074788268

Finally, make sure that you reconfirm your Postal address () and Direct Telephone number to them again to avoid any mistake on the Delivery and Ask them to give you the tracking number to enable you track your Package over there and know when it will get to your address. Let me Repeat again; try to contact them as soon as you receive this mail to Avoid any further delay and remember to pay them their Security Keeping Fee of $210.00 US Dollars for their immediate action. You should also Let me know through email as soon as you receive your Draft.

Yours Faithfully,
Barr.Donald Smith

NB:The details you are to send to apex with the security keeping fee is listed below.
(1) Full Name:
(2) Address:
(3) Phone:
(4) Company Name:
(5) Profession:
(6) Age:
(7) Marital Status:

Hello, Dear Friend.

No, I haven't forgotten you, Smith. Every time I look down at the wrinkled stump of my wrist I remember you and the other players in our old Contract/Inheritance, Next Of Kin and Lottery game. I'm surprised it's taken you so long to track me down. I'm not retired, though I've been inactive on a Rule VI hiatus until I recover from that H-9 Odili drew on me last year. The chelation went well and my hair's growing back, but there were secondary complications and I've been on chemo recently. Thanks for asking, by the way.

Out of the country, you say? I think I know better. There's no way you're leaving your little hidey-hole with Ryu after your ass after what you tried to pull when she drew the B-11 against your QQ-1. You know the rules as well as I do: welsh on a draw, double penalty--so unless you dictated this little missive to one of your flunkies, I don't see you doing any typing if Ryu found you. She's a hell of a competitor and she doesn't like cheats.

That's right, I'm calling you a cheat, Smith. We both know you adopted that kid you gave Sanchez as a "firstborn son" for that D-312. He didn't even look like you. Guess you didn't want to pony up the substitute penalty, which makes you a coward and a wimp on top of being a cheat. Sure, we all know how you like to brag about doing marathons, but running with a limp isn't as hard as it looks. (Remember when Kreiger tried to welsh on Faulkner halfway through a payment that time Faulkner drew the EE-3 on her? Yeah, you can run on bloody stumps if you want it badly enough.)

I haven't forgotten you owe me a C-23 and a FF-9, Smith. I'm calling a Rule IV on your ass and denying you a draw 'til you pay up. The $6.2 million may cover the FF-9, but I have a sharp scalpel and a rack of power tools handy for the C-23, and I'm not accepting a substitute this time. God knows what poor girl you'd marry in Vegas and bring to that meet-up as collateral, and anyway you've made it personal. You've fucked over every player still breathing and I think I can speak for the Membership in saying we're all sick of it. You're damn lucky we don't hold a Rule XII and cash your little punk ass out.

It's dodgy little fucks like you who give The Game a bad name.

R. Eric VanNewkirk
Standing On The Shoulders Of Giant Midgets


I know you were close to O'Connor. If you're wondering why he isn't returning your calls, Ryu drew an A-24 against his ZZ-12 when he was visiting Seoul in March and he's cashed out. Not sure if you heard.

I know: what are the odds?


TimBo Friday, November 16, 2012 at 12:45:00 PM EST  

There's a reason your blog isn't required reading in elementary schools.

John Healy Friday, November 16, 2012 at 2:45:00 PM EST  

Blast the Texas School Board anyhow. Those wimps literlly don't know literature when it bites them on the keister. One day they'll grovel, Eric. Keep the faith.

TimBo Saturday, November 17, 2012 at 4:06:00 PM EST  

Last night I had a nightmare where you required my ears for use as eyelids. In the dream you were a towering 4'2" midget. I blame this post and hereby serve notice that I'll be suing you for distress, or disturbing the sleep, or something.

Eric Sunday, November 18, 2012 at 3:11:00 AM EST  

Don't blame the post, Tim.

Blame the highly experimental and extremely illegal, non-FDA approved protype neurolyzatronic malneirophrenioscope which I've been tinkering with since it arrived on my doorstep last week. (I don't remember ordering it, to be honest, but I decided I'd be damned if I was going to try to return it to the sender once I'd gone through the trouble of getting all those tangled wires out of the bloody box. (I'm not using "bloody" as an expletive, by-the-way--there really were dark brown stains on the box along what appeared to be crusty streaks of grey matter.)

I didn't mean to target you specifically, though--I was just pointing the broadcast aerial in the general direction of Canada. Sorry about that. I'll try aiming it a few inches to the left or right next time.

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