>> Friday, December 14, 2012
HSBC Holdings PLC
8 Canada Square
London E14 5HQ
December 14, 2012
To Investors, Shareholders, Stakeholders and other concerned parties:
By now you've probably heard about our nearly-two-billion dollar settlement for alleged money laundering on behalf of Mexican drug cartels, alleged terrorist groups, and blacklisted nations like Iran. And you're probably wondering how this will affect your investment with HSBC and its myriad international affiliates. Will the stock value drop? Will this impact any dividends you might be entitled to? What does this do to your investment portfolio?
Stop being so small about this.
Read that article again. Or just the first sentence: State and federal authorities decided against indicting HSBC in a money-laundering case over concerns that criminal charges could jeopardize one of the world’s largest banks and ultimately destabilize the global financial system."
They're afraid of us. The government of the United States Of America is afraid of us.
Or afraid, at least, that prosecuting us could result in another crippling financial crisis.
This is awesome. With a side-helping of awesomesauce.
There is no limit to where we can go with this. Investors, brokers, accountants et al. concerned by the impact this has on HSBC Holdings' value are missing the big picture here, which is that HSBC is not just too big to fail, but too big to be prosecuted for criminal wrongdoing.
Indeed, my only regret is that by failing to foresee this development, HSBC's American affiliates have failed in their ambition and imagination. Money laundering? Money laundering is for pimps. I must apologize to investors and make this promise today: HSBC will never overlook the missed opportunities afforded by our superlegal status ever again.
Just to cite one minor example for the benefit of those wondering how HSBC will capitalize on this new regime: I am pleased to announce that, as of this morning, HSBC has launched an ambitious new program to acquire thermonuclear weapons and an intercontinental ballistic delivery system capable of conveying a nuclear device from our North American offices in New York City, New York, to any other point in the world in under forty-five minutes. Why? Because we can. Because, frankly, I'm tired of putting up with tripe and nonsense from bedraggled hippies disgruntled by the fact they're too young to protest the Vietnam war and drop LSD with the Maharishi or whatever they would have done if Sir Paul McCartney wasn't old enough to be the whole lot's grandfather, and if they want to Occupy Oakland or wherever, HSBC won't have any problem, shall we say, Deoccupying everything within a ten kilometre radius of whatever park they happen to be shitting up.
Why? Because we can. Why the hell not? What are the authorities going to do about it? Fine us?
(I only wish you could hear my monomaniacal laughter.)
This is just one example. We have more exciting opportunities in the works here at HSBC. I don't want to say too much. Well, maybe a few hints won't hurt. Lasers. Satellites. Diamond mines. Weather control. International blackmail.
The beauty of HSBC's new position in the world is this simple: even if James Bond were a real spy and not a grumpy, well-cut, middle-aged man played by Daniel Craig, he wouldn't be able to do a goddamn thing about us. Because we are just. Too. Big. What would Mr. Bond do? Destroy the international financial markets to save them? Please. We are secure. We're not even going to be discreet about it--I ran over a man breaking through the front gate to get here and punched whom I think might be an important public official coming into this office just now (I'm not certain, but I think I've seen him on the telly), and I had to walk over to where he was cowering in a corner just to do it.
The finest part was when all the Secret Service men ran in and Mr. Obama started shouting, "Don't shoot! Don't shoot!"
Yes, ladies and gentlemen: I am typing this little missive at the desk of the second-most important leader of the free world. While he's obviously impatient to have his desk back, I really am wondering if I'm going to smoke a cigar first and ask him to start returning Colonies to Her Majesty or just go upstairs to take a leak on whichever bed Abraham Washington or whatever his name was slept in.
Because these cousins of ours know who's boss, but I like reminding them anyway.
In closing, shareholders who see this as an opportunity to divest themselves of HSBC stock merely because they are concerned about lost value or find our recent associations unsavory had best remember which side their proverbial bread is proverbially buttered upon, and that we can do anything. Anything at all. Maybe we'll be nice and pay up our little fines and say we're behaving ourselves, or maybe I'll stop petting Mr. Kitty long enough to text a launch code from my BlackBerry. You just don't know, and I would hate seeing anything happen to our fine friends and partners--or perhaps I wouldn't. And if you think you have recourse to the law, well, we basically own that now, for all intents and purposes.
Of course, you don't make trouble and stay along for the ride, and behave as amicably as Mr. Obama did when I had him kneel in front of me and call me "Zod" (I've always wanted to do that, and it turned out the American President had a sense of humour about the whole thing--he didn't enjoy doing it, but he saw the joke), we'll all be fine and you will find your coffers filling with gold, diamonds, and the vital wealth of any nation that knows its own best interests. No boat-rocking, and you will find this a valuable partnership and that HSBC looks out for its own.
Stuart Gulliver, Executive Director and Group Chief Executive
Special Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion
(Formerly known as HSBC Holdings, PLC)