Tales from the spam folder: well I don't like them, but I hardly think it's that bad...

>> Friday, April 26, 2013

So this was in the junkmail folder, right?

Well good grief.  I never cared for them, but I hardly thought they were that bad....

(Ineffectual disclaimer of liability: please do not click the play icon,
and if you do anyway, which you shouldn't, the proprietor is not responsible
for whatever unspecified injuries you might thereby inflict upon yourself by 
watching the video with the sound up.)

The word I would use is "inoffensive".  Or "bland".  No, "bland" is definitely a better word.  I know everybody thinks Vince Clarke is an electropop genius, but they all say it like it's a good thing.  That's unfair.  I kind of like at least some electropop, can get down with a popping, farting groove, especially when I'm by myself in the car.  (Funny how we all seem to forget we're surrounded by enormous windows on all sides when we're in our cars, no?)  "Just Can't Get Enough", the biggest hit Clarke wrote for Depeche Mode during his short stint in the band, is impossible not to tap you toes to.  (My foot's tapping as I write this right now while the previous link plays, matter-of-fact.)

But, I dunno: it's just sort of self evident to me that Depeche Mode became a much more interesting band when Clarke wandered off to form Yazoo.  (Or Yaz, they were called here in the States; what, was there already a band with the name "Yazoo"?  This begs the question of why there were actually two bands wanting such a fucking stupid band name, or even one of them in the first place, or why "Yaz" seemed like an improvement?  Okay, that's a bunch of questions.)  I guess I'm not necessarily saying a "better" band, whatever that means, just that somehow doing a bunch of melodramatic downbeat songs about introducing jailbait to S&M for metaphorical reasons was a step up from songs that were undeniably hooky and well-crafted and yet nonetheless pretty banal beneath the slick, appealing sheen.  Even though I'm a long way from fifteen, I'd still rather listen to Dave Gahan tearing his shirt and baring his ever-wounded heart over how sad and ironic it is that God is a sick bastard a hundred times in a row than "I Just Can't Get Enough" twice in the same sitting because however overwrought and trite and unsophisticated songwriter Martin Gore's postpubescent theology might be, it's at least trying to get its thumbs into the rind and juicy flesh of something bigger than "I like you, baby, no, I mean I really like you.  Lots."

I feel a little terrible writing that.  I love listening to early Beatles songs that go, "I like you baby, lots", and there are some of them I admit I like more than some of their "we are now serious artists like Bob Dylan" songs.  Many of them, maybe; "Love Me Do" is kind of brilliant in its utter lack of pretense or sophistication, a trait it shares with the far inferior "Just Can't Get Enough" or anything I can think of by Yaz (I don't, if you haven't grokked this quite yet, like Yaz enough to recall much of their discography offhand, in fact if you asked me to name a Yaz song I'd probably have to say, "Um, that one that I change the station when it comes on SiriusXM First Wave," which would be all of them so that doesn't actually help you very much).

Still, I had absolutely no idea that Yaz, a band I really just thought was merely insipid, could lead to a class action lawsuit.  "Serious injuries"?  You don't say.  I might have facetiously thought "ear cancer", but we don't really think of cancer as being an "injury", more like an "illness" (maybe that's a distinction without difference, I dunno).

My assumption is that Yaz causes people to fall asleep while driving, or if you were out walking a Yaz song might cause you to zone out and fall through an open manhole or the yawning open foundation of a building under construction.  But these things seem like they would be your own fault for listening to Yaz or Yazoo in the first place.  I don't know what the law is in Britain, but in America this would be something that you'd call contributory negligence, which could easily bar you from collecting damages in some states and seriously limit your damages in others (maybe entirely limit them, as your injuries would be entirely your own fault).

Unless, I dunno, what if they're trying to allege that Vince Clarke's catchy-but-repetitive-and-vacuous love songs are an intentional tort?  It's been a long time since I was in a torts class, still, agreeing to listen to a Yaz song seems like it would constitute a waiver, sort of like agreeing to be in a sporting event is a waiver of many kinds of assault (e.g. you agree to play American football, you agree to be tackled because that's how the game is played, but you perhaps don't agree to have your face knocked in with a brick because that's against the rules of football--I think; actually I don't know a lot about sports).

I've been exposed to Yaz, anyway.  And now I've exposed you if you played the video for "Only You" I embedded above.  I'm very sorry about that.  Only now does it occur to me that I may have exposed you to whatever toxic effects Yaz has on unsuspecting victims, so I hope you won't sue me.  In my defense, let me point out that I don't actually have any money and suing me would be rather pointless unless you're just feeling vindictive that I put you through that.  There, I've gone back and added a disclaimer of liability.  That'll stop you.  I hope.

Don't bother me about it.  I don't even know what the harm could be.  If you're feeling irritable and bored by that song, or if you fell asleep midway through and gave yourself a concussion with the corner of the desk, contact the Yaz Injury Lawsuit Center.  Apparently they have specialists and legal experts who can help you.  I can't.  In fact, I tried to warn you.  Remember that when you're drafting your complaint.


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