Dumb quote of the day: the American military has been taken over... by rhythm edition

>> Tuesday, September 10, 2013

A U.S.-led attack on Syria is wrong on so many levels, but for one Bible-thumping Christian radio host, the issue is fairly simple. Any attempt to intervene in Syria’s civil war is doomed by the fact that homosexuals and pregnant women have taken over the American military. Yes, there has been a coup. The American Family Association’s Sandy Rios offered up this cogent piece of analysis on Monday arguing that the hostile takeover of the military, which resulted from the overturning of the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy and allowed women to fight, has hurt the country’s military readiness.

"When I looked at those battleships in the Mediterranean, supposedly getting ready for battle in Syria, I couldn’t help think about all the stories I’ve read about how women are now in the ranks of the Navy, getting pregnant at exponential numbers," she told listeners.

Wow, exponential pregnancy numbers! That sounds bad. But there’s more.

Rios continued, "When I think about the folding in and the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell and the homosexual takeover, really, of our military, I’m not sure how effective those naval ships will be."
Salon, September 10, 2013

I am given to understand Ms. Rios' concerns were raised by this U.S. Navy recruitment advertisement specifically tailored towards Native Americans, residents of the American Southwest, blue-collar laborers, and gang members:

Obviously, this recruitment video appeals to the greatness of America: an ideal in which ethnicity, class and region are ignored, in which the Native American may set aside his ancestors' slaughter and diaspora at the hands of the ancestors of the construction worker, where the cowboy and biker recognize there's little difference between a flesh-and-blood horse and what one poet profoundly described as "a steel horse I [he] ride[s]".

Ms. Rios' homophobia has clearly blinded her to the efficiency of these sailors' maneuvers, which serves them well in combat situations in which crewmembers must glide, shuffle and duck around one another to operate the complex equipment that is now used to operate the modern technological marvel that is an American warship.  In today's Navy, crewmembers like the ones you see in the above advertisement are able to move together as if part of one collective mind--it's not exaggeration to describe their efforts as choreographed.  Their sexuality is immaterial, except insofar as some of these sailors may have learned their moves at any of the nation's many excellent "gay bars", drinking and dancing establishments especially serving America's homosexual males and the many heterosexual women seeking to hook up with a sexually-non-threatening best friend forever (SNTBFF).

As for Ms. Rios' other concerns, I am hoping Ms. Rios will be mollified by the fact current DOD policy is that any child born into any of the United States Armed Services during active duty is considered instantly recruited into the service: the new mother is instantly issued a flak Snugli and the infant provided with a 2.34 mm rifle and sidearm, and the Dual Operation Combat Pair (DOCOP) sent to the front.  Responding to critics during Congressional hearings held to determine whether infants should be provided with more powerful weapons, an Army spokesperson testified, "In America's Global War On Terror, we find that a great deal of combat is close combat, occurring in urban areas, small villages, and even inside residences.  The 2.34 cartridge has more than enough power to distract an unlawful enemy combatant who attempts to ambush a U.S. soldier or Marine inspecting a house in an Afghan village."

In an era when military recruiters have sometimes struggled to meet quotas, reactionary positions like Ms. Rios' threaten to gut our military operational strength.  In the 18th Century, some sources say up to ten percent of the crew of a British Royal Navy vessel consisted of boys 13 or younger; I am happy to say that in the modern era, where technological advances have rendered it unnecessary to manually lug powder from the lower decks to the gun decks, girls and boys as young as six months can press the large, brightly colored, soft rubbery buttons that engage automated, computer-controlled advanced weapons and navigational systems of a contemporary U.S. Navy destroyer (while making an appropriate animal sound, such as a bovine "moo").  Such infants, knowing no life but life at sea, and having been designated as official governmental property upon delivery, are the very backbone of America's unrivaled naval power.  Does Ms. Rios really want to hobble us by returning us to the 1700s, when navies had to wait until sailors could walk?

She must be insane.


John Healy Tuesday, September 10, 2013 at 1:24:00 PM EDT  

I had no idea. Thank you, Eric, for this thoughtful and informative article. I was originally opposed to striking Syria, but now i feel like we need to think about the education of these young people. How would they adapt to civilian life? An ogoing cycle of war is the only way for them to experience normality.

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