The best and worst things about Hillary Clinton's presidency, which hasn't happened yet and she hasn't even announced she's running, but apparently it's a slow news day

>> Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Maybe what these results [of a Gallup poll asking "Suppose Hillary Clinton is elected President in 2016.  In your view, what would be the best or most positive thing about a Hillary Clinton presidency?", published March 21st] really illuminate is how thoughtless Americans can be about politics. A combined grand total of 16 percent of Americans balk at specific Clintonian policies rather than her vague “lack of qualifications.” Likewise, just 13 percent of respondents said they were rooting for Hillary because of her stance on a particular issue, such as health care or immigration. Read this aside from the researchers (and weep):
A little less than half of Americans did not give a substantive answer in response to the positive question, and about the same percentage didn't give a substantive answer to the negative question. This is in large part because the majority of Republicans have no specific thoughts about the best thing about a Clinton presidency, and a majority of Democrats do not have specific responses to the question about the worst aspects of a Clinton presidency.
In other words, a lot of Republicans cannot dream up a single upside to having Hillary Clinton in the White House, and a lot of Democrats cannot fathom a single drawback. Step up your game, electorate!

Oh, if only the people who responded to the Gallup poll knew what I knew!  For I have been to the far-flung future year of 2017, and I do not have to imagine the best or most positive thing about a Hillary Clinton presidency--I know that the best thing about President Clinton's presidency is our contact with the aliens from Vega XIV in the Morbius Nebula!  Thanks to Ms. Clinton's heroic efforts for our country, we will have the cure for seven different kinds of cancer!  We will have agricultural miracles that end hunger throughout the world!  We will have direct wireless connections to the Internet through our brains!  And the Vegans have promised to give us their ultimate secret, thanks to the positive impression President Clinton made upon them: the ability to synthesize hydrogen nuclei from the quarks that spontaneously emerge from energy decay in the quantum foam, and to assemble those nuclei into more complicated atoms and then into molecules, rendering scarcity obsolete! 

The best thing about a Clinton presidency was--I'm sorry, will be--that she is the greatest human being in all of history.



No!  No, no, no!  If only the version of myself from the past/future who responded to the Slate writer who responded to the Gallup poll asking the stupid hypothetical question had known what I know!  For I have been to the far-flung future year of 2018, and I do not have to imagine the worst thing about a Clinton Presidency!  She was/will be a fool!  Deceived by the nefarious and evil monsters from Vega XIV in the Morbius Nebula!  What they gave/will give with one floopy tentacle they took/will take away with another!

It is exactly like that old Twilight Zone episode, "To Serve Man":  the Vegans won't be coming to help us, they'll be coming to farm us.  They gave us the cure for seven cancers so we'll be healthy, and the Internet brains and quantum foam synthesizers so we'll be fat and happy and stupid--well-marbled meat for their roving abattoir tanks to scoop up and harvest.  The streets have been awash in blood since the culling began!  The President has disappeared, though we don't know if it's cowardice or if she was one of the first to be butchered and rendered up on a platter for the demonic hordes of aliens in their silver ships!

Doomed!  We are doomed!  People of America, when it comes time to elect one of the exactly two viable candidates presented for election, vote for the one who won't betray our entire species, even if he promises to repeal Obamacare and invade Iran!



I have been premature, I'm afraid.  Because things were horrific, I assumed they were even worse than they were.  Do not mistake me--it was awful, and five billion people will have died.  But the best thing about a Clinton Presidency was not that she made a deal with the Vegans from the Morbius Nebula and it more than makes up for their inevitable betrayal.

In the year 2019, we had given up hope.  Many human beings even willingly let themselves be slaughtered like cattle, roaming naked in the grasslands and mentally surfing Buzzfeed with their psychic wifi links.  But then she came, like a goddess, a savior--yes, her, President Clinton.

We do not know if she became the heaven-sent, celestial creature who redeemed us from the Vegans simply by the mastery of the quantum foam synthesizers, or whether she gained some kind of aid from a Vegan splinter group, guilty for what their kind had wrought in turning this blue planet into a bloody red dot.  But Hillary Clinton emerged from the rubble a divine cyborg, spiritually and intellectually linked to all of us via the direct-brain Internet connection.  And she will be more than human, yes: forty feet tall, with interlinked biomechanical implants that can heal an entire army of her transcended human followers with antideath radiants while simultaneously bisecting a Vegan Orbship in lunar orbit with her isoquantum desiccator.

We will be a common personhood of humanity, the Singularity led by a gleaming womanmachine of hope and doom.



No!  What was I thinking!  She raised taxes in 2020!



To fight the Vegan reinforcements in 2021.  I guess that's alright, then.

Look--there are clearly costs and benefits to the election of Hillary Clinton in the event she announces her candidacy, is nominated by her party, runs for President, and is elected in 2016.  But don't think about it in terms of "she's a woman" or "she's a Democrat" or whatever her platform and proposed policies might be, because it won't matter; not because your only alternative will be Rand Paul (he narrowly wins the nomination over Paul Ryan, Chris Christie, and [spoiler redacted]).  You should vote for or against Hillary Clinton because in 2017, a fleet of alien starships will appear over every major city on Earth, the aliens will offer us presents, the aliens will betray us and turn us into food, and then we'll all become psychically uplinked to a giant robot who used to be Hillary Clinton and she'll save the human species.  That's what matters.

Anything else is just, I dunno, like responding to a bafflingly stupid poll question about a hypothetical scenario with insufficient information or something.








4 comments:

Gristle McThornbody Tuesday, March 25, 2014 at 5:04:00 PM EDT  

Has CNN contacted you yet so you can share your specula... um, information, for days on end, with no solid evidence to back it up? Tell them you want to appear in holographic form.

John Healy Saturday, March 29, 2014 at 1:08:00 PM EDT  

Have you been playtesting the latest 'Chrononaughts' expansion?
I'm starting to think it may be Ms. Warren, in all seriousness. Hilary said she was done. That may totally mean "I'm running", ala Silent Cal. But, I am seeing Elizabeth Warren do some standardbearing. Al Franken invited me to dinner with her.

John Healy Saturday, March 29, 2014 at 1:09:00 PM EDT  

Have you been playtesting the latest 'Chrononaughts' expansion?
I'm starting to think it may be Ms. Warren, in all seriousness. Hilary said she was done. That may totally mean "I'm running", ala Silent Cal. But, I am seeing Elizabeth Warren do some standardbearing. Al Franken invited me to dinner with her.

Eric Saturday, March 29, 2014 at 4:47:00 PM EDT  

For the record, I'd be happier voting for Warren than Clinton, but who am I kidding? It's not like the Republicans are going to nominate the kind of levelheaded secular leftist who appeals to me; the Democrats are likely to be my party of default. Again.

Say "hi" to her and Al.

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