A public service announcement for lesbian visitors to this blog

>> Thursday, May 15, 2014

During the conference, the Rev. Cesar Truqui, an exorcist based in Switzerland, recounted one experience he had aboard a Swissair flight. “Two lesbians,” he said, had sat behind him on the plane. Soon afterward, he said, he felt Satan’s presence. As he silently sought to repel the evil spirit through prayer, one of the women, he said, began growling demonically and threw chocolates at his head.
The Washington Post, May 10th, 2014.

I, for one, found this anecdote extremely disturbing.  The account doesn't specify whether this incident happened in Coach or Business, or--Heaven forfend!--in First Class, but I don't suppose it matters.

The main concern, obviously, is that Satan is now targeting lesbians.

We don't really know, do we, whether Satan possessed some poor lesbian before coming aboard the plane, or whether Satan merely assumed the form of a lesbian for the purposes of leading another lesbian into temptation.  We can't say whether these lesbians on a plane were a couple, even: was this a happy, perhaps even married, pair of lesbians and Satan entered one of them; or did The Enemy, perhaps invisible, observe a lesbian at the airport and, taking the form of another lesbian, sidle alongside her with nefarious intent?

We will assume that Satan, like Catholic priests, has a gift for noticing and singling out lesbians: he is as capable as any spiritual/demonic being of observing that a woman has short hair, no makeup, and is wearing an Indigo Girls tour t-shirt with blue jeans and Birkenstocks, yes?

In any case, we must heed Father Truqui's warning and pass it along!  Satan is going after lesbians, and if you are a lesbian, you might well be next!  Granted, it's a bit of a vague warning: if you're a lesbian, and you are approached by another apparent lesbian who is growly, has a bag of chocolates which she probably isn't eating (so as to reserve them for some greater malfeasance), doesn't like hearing prayers, and wants to go on a plane trip, stay away!  Run!  Do not go near her!  If this chocolate-flinging, basso-voiced, Sapphic practitioner is someone you're in an ongoing relationship, you should probably dump her, though I guess you could also find a priest to conduct an exorcism (it just seems like an awful lot of bother, is all).

Whatever you do, don't buy plane tickets with "her".  It does not end well.

We can only imagine what horrors awaited the non-demonically-infested lesbian on the Reverend's plane.  Was she knocked over a second-story bannister to land on the floor below and later pushed out a hospital window?  Did Satan abruptly grow a penis and impregnate her with his evil seed while a coven of creepy old people stood around and watched them having sex?  Was the beloved Lilith Fair shirt she's had since college ruined by pea-green vomit stains?  Did Satan surprise her by coming out as a gay male who loves showtunes and Saddam Hussein?  We can only speculate from the kinds of things we're pretty sure Satan is up to from previously-well-documented incidents.  But we know nothing good could come of it.  Well--actually, Satan has a pretty good voice, so the bit where he belts out something Broadway-ish probably would be alright, but still.  Most of the time, getting tangled up with Satan is a bad thing, with screaming and blood and crazy lighting effects.

So, if there are any lesbian readers visiting this blog: be wary.  Satan is evidently among you.  We don't know what he wants, but he may throw candy at someone.  Good luck, and be careful out there, okay?


TimBo Thursday, May 15, 2014 at 8:03:00 PM EDT  

Here we have the Prince of Darkness who kindly decides to give a priest some chocolates and all you can do is criticize The Evil One. On what basis? That he growled? That he's generous? That he travels with a companion?

You say he's "targeting lesbians". I think he's showing acceptance for lesbians. Here he is making a trip and instead of wasting fuel by taking his private jet he boards a Swissair flight along with the hoi polloi, including a priest and a lesbian. Joins a woman traveling alone to give her protection and companionship. Joins her not only in her travels but takes on the lowly status often unkindly accorded lesbians. And all you can do is accuse him of "nefarious intent".

Rather than believe the best of The Archfiend his very appearance in this anecdote causes you to further stereotype The Angel Of The Bottomless Pit and join the ranks of the haters. You talk of "previously-well-documented incidents", and yes, there have been some incidents over the last 6,000 years, and there have been some exaggerations and downright lies. Would you want your clients convicted on the basis of that type of anecdote? I think not.

I think all (both?) your readers would agree that you owe an apology here. The only reason the other(s) haven't mentioned it is because of fear of becoming a target for your vitriol. Are you willing to man up like Sterling did, and admit you're out of line, and give a public apology for your very public statement? Nothing less can atone for the hatred you've spewed here.

Eric Thursday, May 15, 2014 at 11:08:00 PM EDT  

Soooo... are you suggesting I should show some courtesy, some sympathy, and some taste? Along with any well-learned politesse I might bear? Because what's puzzling me is the nature of your game.

TimBo Thursday, May 15, 2014 at 11:18:00 PM EDT  

I think I've been pretty clear. A simple apology to The Enemy Of All Mankind for wronging him horribly in your post is all I am asking.

TimBo Friday, May 16, 2014 at 12:39:00 PM EDT  

Dear Mr. Midgets:

I represent Satan ("Satan"), The Ruler Of The Pit Of Ending Torture. I write to demand immediate removal of false statements about Satan from shouldersofgiantmidgets.blogspot.com, where you posted the following:
1.) Satan is now targeting lesbians.
2.) Satan possessed some poor lesbian
3.) Satan entered one of them [a lesbian]
4.) Satan ... has a gift for noticing and singling out lesbians
5.) Satan is going after lesbians
6.) Satan is a bad thing

This is a false accusation. Satan as been serving Earth and the Infernal Region for almost 6,000 years and has a well implemented complaints policy. Your statements grossly misrepresent the current state of affairs.

Your constant use of the word "Satan" in your false accusation against the Prince Of Suffering in the source ode for your webpage fourteen 914) times, as caused your webpage to be listed 785th whenever "Satan" is punched into the Google search engine. Given your background, you clearly intended this result.

By maliciously accusing Satan of malicious conduct to injure his business reputation, you exposed yourself to a lawsuit for defamation per se, in which damages are presumed. Loki v. Loksen, 239 F.3d 256, 272 (2nd Cir. 2001).

By publishing false statements about Satan to gain publicity, popularize shouldersofgiantmidgets.blogspot.com, and injure Satan's reputation in the marketplace, you engaged in false advertising in violation of the Lanham Trademark Act, 15 U.S.C. #1125(a)(B). Satan may also sue for enhanced damages and recovery of its attorney fees under 15 U.S.C. #1117. Voldemort v. Jartan, In. 793 F.2d 1034, 1024 - 1043 (9th Cir. 1985) (upholding award of double damages and attorney's fees under Sec. 1117 to unregistered markholder in action for false advertising). In a Lanham Act lawsuit, both judge and jury will presume that your false statements deceived Internet users, Vader v. Stover Seed Co., 108 F.3d 1134, 1146 (9th Cir. 1997).

Accordingly, demand is hereby made upon you to perform the following remedial acts on or before June 12, 2014:
1.) Removal of all mention of Satan from shouldersofgiantmidgets.blogspot.comand ay other website over which you have control.
2.) Deliver to me a check in the amount of $20,000 payable to the order of TimBo.

I look forward to your prompt response.

Eric Friday, May 16, 2014 at 2:00:00 PM EDT  

Dear Mr. TimBo,

I do not believe your client is likely to submit to the jurisdiction of the American legal system again, after his serious thumping in Satan v. Stone. Should your client feel lucky, I am sure Mr. Mayo has some papers for him.

Your letter has many of the marks of a SLAPP threat, including Lanham Act threats that are obviously inapplicable to any of this blog's commentary on a well-known public figure. As to claims of defamation, I am prepared to offer truth as an absolute defense to any claims your client might care to make, and should that fail I believe my conduct falls well within the safety net offered by Times v. Sullivan. In any event, should your client prevail on claims of falsity and actual malice, I think it is a reasonable assessment of the value of your client's reputation (especially in my part of the country) to be worth less than a fart in a strong wind.

In short, bring it on.

I feel obligated to mention in passing that the source ode for Standing On The Shoulders of Giant Midgets is "Immigrant Song" by Led Zeppelin, which does not mention Satan at all and is only tangentially related to your client insofar as founding member Jimmy Page allegedly worshiped your client for many years, or at least is said to have claimed he did in order to bang chicks.


R. Eric VanNewkirk
Standing On The Shoulders Of Giant Midgets

John Healy Friday, May 16, 2014 at 4:47:00 PM EDT  

TimBo, as Eric's other reader I Think I should point out a few things.
1) Chocolate: Eric's remarks could be represented as derogatory to chocolate specifically and the chocolate industry in general. If you want to litigate it would seem to me that you may be missing a trick here. The industry has deep pockets indeed, and could be quite annoyed by this scurrilous attack on their bread and butter.
2) Airlines: More deep pockets, and another attack on the reputation of a powerful industry.
3) Lesbians: OK, not such deep pockets, and more industrious than an industry, but still a possible client base.
In our current economic enviorment I just don't see ignoring such a rich base of possible clients.
Thank you for reading this and if you manage to make a case out of these semi-coherent ideas I expect some form of renumeration.

Eric Friday, May 16, 2014 at 5:36:00 PM EDT  

John: when lawyers talk about "deep pockets", we generally mean defendants who have them. Not plaintiffs. If Mr. TimBo wishes to represent the chocolate industry, an airline, and, I dunno, some kind of lesbian cartel (if such things exist) in a lawsuit against me, he'll quickly learn that I'm a public employee and therefore have no deep pockets to speak of; that, indeed, I can barely afford pants.

While there's nothing in this post to which any of the entities you list could object, the sad truth is that all they could possibly collect from me if they prevailed would be lint. It would cost them more to sue me than they could possibly collect in a million billion years. I'm judgement-proof.

Of course, the cocoa industry and airlines may not be the best defendants in this context, either, John. You may have missed it, but rising demand for cocoa combined with political, environmental and economic problems in west Africa are distressing the chocolate industry. And the airlines are constantly struggling with the threat of bankruptcy these days. I'm not sure either of these entities are necessarily the best of clients nor the fattest of targets.

A similar suggestion that would better serve Mr. TimBo's client, John, would be the suggestion that his client seek a much wealthier defendant to threaten than myself, chocolatiers, and airlines. And a blindingly obvious candidate indeed presents itself in my post, which you and Mr. T. have somehow overlooked: a large organization, in possession of literally incalculable amounts of cash wealth, real property, personal property and presumably vast investments, an international entity whose American holdings alone are worth an estimated 170 billion dollars even after settling a number of recent legal claims to an estimated tune in excess of three billion dollars. An entity whose international reach makes it possible to get personal jurisdiction in probably every nation of the world, and certainly on every continent except Antarctica. An organization that, as a bonus, Mr. TimBo's client has a long-standing personal grudge against, with a history of repeated insults and injuries to his client's person and reputation. An organization whose personal agent directly attempted to harm Mr. TimBo's client in the incident that prompted the post, possibly exposing the agent personally and the organization he represents to further causes of action, including but not limited to direct torts like Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress (IIED).

There are some deep pockets. If cassocks have pockets. (So, perhaps we're speaking figuratively.)

R. Eric VanNewkirk
Standing on the Shoulders of Giant Midgets

TimBo Friday, May 16, 2014 at 7:35:00 PM EDT  

Johan Healy: My client wishes to thank you for attempting to assist him in his efforts to drive Mr. Midgets into despair. He admires your attitude. My client says that when you meet him to remind him of this incident, he has a special place in the lake reserved for you. Don't be concerned that he might be upset by WASTING HIS TIME with your useless suggestions, your motivation is what he's interested in.

Mr. Midgets: Let's put our cards on the table. My client isn't interested in your money or lack of it. He controls many, many bankers (perhaps all of them) and money is freely available to him. What is he interested in? Souls of course.

Now, we know that since that you're a lawyer he already has your soul (perhaps you've forgotten that part of the graduation ceremony, so many do), not to mention all your D&D playing and dabbling in the Rock Music. You're probably wondering what interest he has in you. And he's not interested directly in you, but in one of those around you, in particular an angelic soul that would surely be willing to make such a small sacrifice on your behalf. Let us know and your problem will disappear.

Eric Saturday, May 17, 2014 at 12:04:00 AM EDT  

To paraphrase my hero for today: please don't let your client believe that since you may well have my soul already, there's no downside to tacking me on as a defendant who might settle to make you go away. I will never, ever permit the case to be resolved prior to the inevitable judgement in my favor. If you sue, your client's complaint will be sanctionably frivolous and your client should just box up most of his property and drop it off with you to keep safe for me; after I receive judgement in my favor, I will have it all delivered to me and will probably have it blown up with a mortar.

Old Warren and EC Comics, a few Twilight Zone episodes and a few tall tales have made me aware your client is a bit like the title character of the children's classic If You Give A Mouse A Cookie: any settlement I offered, even if I had any desire to do so, would simply lead to a cascade of further and increasingly unreasonable demands. Tell him I'll see him in Hell one of these days.

John Healy Saturday, May 17, 2014 at 1:11:00 PM EDT  

Nice try Mr. Midget. Thanks to gender inequality the probability is that you do have more in pocket than the average member of the lesbian cartel. (Thank you for inventing the term.) Game on buddy.
No, I didn't know about the cocoa shortage. That's so depressing I may have to bring suit myself for mental distress.

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