Spoiler: the Dungeons & Dragons movie will be a trilogy, at the end of which Wolverine finally becomes a first-level Bard

>> Tuesday, August 04, 2015

The Dungeons & Dragons Movie of Your Dreams Is Rolling Your Way

But will it be the Dungeons & Dragons movie of my 7th grade dreams?

I'm happy to say, based on a plot summary leaked to Standing on the Shoulders of Giant Midgets, that the answer is yes!

In the fantastic medieval kingdom of Centere Wyrlde, a party of adventures embark on the adventure of a lifetime in a world of adventure.  Join Hugh Mann the Magic-User, Tommy the Thief, Myzzrylazzar the Blackhearted, Janna Apollo, and Wolverine as they face off against Ents, Darkone the Necromancer, Fake Tiamat, Actual Tiamat, the Knights Who Say "Ni!", Meggadeathe the Shadow Ninja, and Lord Noruas in a cosmic battle to recover Excalibur on behalf of King Dio (who, unbeknownst to the party, is really the Polymorph Self-ed god Thor, who needs to return the sword to Odin's Treasury before Pluto, God of the Underworld, can claim it and bring about the resurrection of a million evil skeleton warriors who really have the stats for vampires).

Thrill as the party encounters the Girdle of Gender-Swapping, the Deck of Many Things, a Cursed Ring -3, a Bag of Holding that totally turns out to be a Bag of Devouring, and stumbles across a large dragon hoard that turns out to mostly be copper pieces and small rocks that were just enchanted to look like gold and platinum.  Hang onto the edge of your seat as Hugh Mann casts Identify on every single stupid magic item after the Bag of Devouring eats Myzzrylazzar's +2 Flaming Dagger, and then has to totally re-learn the spell afterwards because he totally forgets it after use and if he learns it twice he won't be able to slot Magic Missile and that's totally his best spell, man.

Will Hugh Mann the Magic-User trip over a stump and instantly die from his injuries?  Will Wolverine discover Tommy the Thief's pilfering of the party's potion stores?  And if he does, will he accept Tommy's explanation that, "I'm a thief, dude, so it's okay if I steal stuff because it's what I do"?  Will Janna Apollo lose all of his Cleric powers and become a fallen Paladin when he's accidentally "That's so Chaotic Neutral, man; Lawful Good means leaving at least a fifteen percent tip for your serving wench"?  Will Myzzrylazzar touch a lady's boob that isn't his own?  Can the party obtain a 10' pole out in the middle of nowhere to probe the ground in front of them after Tommy the Thief totally fails to disable the trap that caused him to freeze to death and catch on fire at the same time even though that spell totally isn't in the Player's Handbook and that's just cheating now?  Is there a cure for touching a Sphere of Annihilation?  Shouldn't the claws Wolverine got from that Ring of Three Wishes do at least shortsword damage instead of dagger damage?  Wait, why did the DM agree to that last bit so readily and start laughing so hard he knocked over the Doritos bowl?  Will Doug realize he should have also wished for immunity to damage from his own claws before he unsheathes them or after he has to roll for damage?  Why do gnomes suck?

I cannot begin to express my excitement for this movie.  Come on, WB, get this thing in theatres already!


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