An open letter to Mr. Magu

>> Wednesday, February 03, 2016

Mr. Ibrahim Mustafa Magu (CHAIRMAN OF THE EFCC)‏
Mr. Ibrahim Mustafa Magu (CHAIRMAN OF THE EFCC)
Mr. Ibrahim Mustafa Magu (

6:47 AM
To: Recipients
From:     Mr. Ibrahim Mustafa Magu ( Your junk email filter is set to exclusive.
Sent:    Wed 2/03/16 6:47 AM
To:    Recipients (


I am Mr. Ibrahim Mustafa Magu the chairman
alliance with economic community of West African states
(ECOWAS) with head Office here in Nigeria. We have been
working towards the eradication of fraudsters and scam
Artists in Western part of Africa With the help of United
States Government and the United Nations and some corrupt
official adminstrators Mr Ibrahim Lamorde has been sacked
who happen to be the former EFCC chairman.

We have been able to track down so many
of this scam artist in various parts of west African
countries which includes (NIGERIA, REPUBLIC OF BENIN, TOGO,
GHANA CAMEROUN AND SENEGAL) and they are all in our custody
here in Lagos Nigeria.

We have been able to recover so much
money from these scam artists. The United Nation Anti-crime
commission and the United State Government have ordered the
money recovered from the Scammers to be shared among 100
Lucky people around the globe.

This email is being directed to you
because your email address was found in one of the scam
Artists file and computer hard disk in our custody here in
Nigeria and with the information gartered from this Scam
artist, you notice that you have been scammed of so much
money and have decided to compensate you with a little token
to recover the lost of your fund. You are therefore being
compensated with the total sum $ 2.5 Million Dollars. We have
also arrested all those who claim that they are barristers,
bank officials, Inheritance, Lottery Agents who has money for transfer or
want you to be the next of kin of such funds which does not

Since your name appeared among the
lucky beneficiaries who will receive a compensation of
US $ 2.5 Million, we have made arrangement to register an
Online Banking through our Global Bank, where you will have
full access to your Online Banking Account Fund, to transfer
your fund personally to your Private Bank Account with no
complication of things or questioning as the Account will be
fully registered in your Name.

Feel free to contact the processing
officer MISS ESTHER EMMANUEL. The online Banking Processing
It is made much easier for you to transfer your fund to your
private Bank Account personally, to avoid any delay or
complication of things. With this Online Banking Transfer
Processing, you can only transfer the Maximum Amount of
US $ 500.000.00 daily / install mentally until the total amount
of your Compensated / deposited fund is transferred and
completely paid to you and also if you choose to recieve your
payment VIA ATM CARD its is still accepted so you get back to her
with your choice of payment.

So you are advice to contact,
processing officer MISS ESTHER EMMANUEL with your provided
information? required for verification below.


Provide the information below to enable
the processing of your Online Banking Account for deposition
of your total compensated fund.


information required for verification to enable her start
the processing of your Online Banking Account

We guarantee your safety and wish you
the best of luck.

Best Regard,
Mr. Ibrahim Mustafa Magu

Dear Mr. Magu,

I can't tell you how happy I was to read that you have arrested all these horrible people and are holding them in Lagos.  I hope that they will go away to prison for a considerable length of time for their extreme naughtiness.  And of course I was pleased to find out that I was one of the lucky one hundred people who will get to have their money examined by a team of lawyers prior to trial.

The problem comes in when I try to download the software needed to depose my money, and this is where I desperately need your help.  When I saw that the process would involve mentally installing my money, I naturally went to the Google Play Store to try to get the software I'd need for the installation.  And this is where--well, this is embarrassing.  Because I am a humble civil servant--this is exactly why getting to depose two-point-five million dollars, and thank God it's real American money and not Canadian funny money--I... well, I don't actually have the most up-to-date brain.

I suppose from one perspective, it's my own damn fault.  I've been offered upgrades every two years like most people with a contract, but with one thing and another, I'm still using a pretty old brain.  I don't even want to tell you how long I've been just getting by with this brain, it's so embarrassing, especially when I'm surrounded by so many people flaunting their flashy new brains with all the latest bells and whistles, but let's just say I'm not exactly walking around with the most newfangled smart brain.  

So when I go to Google Play, what happens?  Well, I go to the page for the software I think I'll need, and I'm told, what?  I'm told (no doubt you see where this is going) that the software for mentally installing the funds "is not compatible with your device."  And I thought, well, maybe there's been a patch or upgrade for my brain that would fix the problem, but guess what?  You probably see where this is going, too: my brain is no longer supported by the manufacturer.

Now, the obvious solution for some people, say for someone who is or claims to be a barrister or banking official or a lottery agent, would be to just plunk down the deposit and get a new brain.  Why, someone who claims to be an inheritance (or who is an inheritance!) can doubtlessly just plunk himself down.  Some people might suggest I try to get a new brain on credit.  Or a new-ish refurbished brain from eBay or Amazon.  Being a chairman of something, you probably have several brains, one provided by your employers and another for personal use, and don't see how anyone could be staggering along with just one old, extremely used brain with a crack along one edge where he stupidly dropped it.  But I just do not have the money in hand right now, even knowing that some more money will soon be deposed on my behalf, to upgrade brains.

(Oh, and let me just totally digress and say: when you depose this money, do you think you could ask it where it's been all my life?  Or do you think the other party will object?)

I'm not so presumptuous as to think you can just send me a newer brain.  Or that you'd send me the money for a newer brain while the legal stuff is still happening in Lagos.  What I'm mostly hoping is that you can just point me to an old repository or website where they have an older version of the software that might run on an early-gen brain from some years back.  I mean, yes, I know protocols have changed a lot and so on, but there must be a solution.  At least, I'm hoping.

I would contact my processing officer, Miss Esther Emmanuel, but (1) as a "miss," she sounds very young (no offense) and might not be sympathetic towards an older person who is still using such an obsolete brain, and (2) your name is just a lot more impressive than hers.  Also, I loved your cartoons when I was a kid.

R. Eric VanNewkirk
Standing on the Shoulders of Giant Midgets


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