How to talk to a woman who is performing some kind of complicated surgery

>> Tuesday, August 30, 2016

These days, many women have graduated from high school, attended (and completed!) college, have gone on to accredited medical schools, completed internships, and have been licensed by state medical boards to be doctors, allowing them to perform surgery in hospitals.

Yet that doesn't mean you can't talk to them.

Of course, not all surgeons with breasts and vaginas* are open to being approached, because not all surgeons with breasts and vaginas are single and looking.

However, if a woman performing intensive, life-saving surgery in a hospital operating room is single and hoping to meet a boyfriend (or even a fuckbuddy for one glorious night in heaven), she will usually be happy to stop in the middle of her heroic medical efforts to save a patient to give you an opportunity to put your penis** in her.

Her putting down her scalpel doesn't always mean she's interested and wants you to ask for her number or drop your pants and jerk off in front of her or anything.  It may mean that she needs somebody to sponge up excess fluid around an incision, or it's time to sew the patient back up, or that the patient has died.  But it's possible she wants to see where the conversation will go.  Especially if the patient has died, and her afternoon just cleared up once she signs the death certificate and tells an administrator that it's probably the anesthesiologist's fault, somehow.

What to do to get her attention

1.  Stand in front of her.  I mean, not right in front of her.  You'll probably have to stand on the opposite side of the operating table.  And there may be other people--you know, like nurses and other doctors and possibly an angry cop clasping a loose surgical mask against his mouth and nose while he demands a chance to interrogate the patient as soon as he wakes up, people like that--who also need to be there.  You could maybe stand next to one of the machines that has a squiggy thing in it that goes up and down with the patient's breath, or the one that tells you whether the patient's heart has stopped or if his brain is working.  No, not by that one.  A little over.  Well now you're in the way.  Watch your feet.  Oh, good grief--now you're not supposed to stand on that.  Try backing up, and now a little to the left--my left.  Your other left.  There.  No, wait.  No.  Can you maybe--okay, yeah, that's good.  That'll work.  I think.  Yeah, that's fine.

2.  Have a confident, easy-going smile.  Oh God, no.  Not like that.  That's a little frightening.  I said easy-going.  Not squeamish.  Relax.  Okay, that's alright.  No, I get it, you probably shouldn't have glanced down at the table when the nurse moved that tray--yeah, that was a lot of blood, alright.  Just relax.  Smile.  Confidence.  Chicks love confidence.  There you are.

3.  If she hasn't noticed you, get her attention.  No, she didn't see you.  Try coughing.  Wave your hand a bit.  There you go, I think--no.  Sorry.  Try moving up a little and sticking your hand directly in front of her face, that'll get her atte--oh God!  Shit!  Shitshitshit!  Back up!  Clear!  What the hell, man, what the hell?  I didn't say do it while she was cutting the dude!  Oh shit!  Fuck!  Fuck, fuck!  Just--back up, back up, guy!  Okay!  Okay!  It's all going to be okay!  I think she's got it under control.  Jesus fucking Christ did you see that?  Shit!  All over the goddamn ceiling, dude!

4.  When she looks at you and yells who the hell let you in and get that guy out of here and why the fuck isn't he in scrubs and why doesn't he have a mask, point to her scalpel and confidently ask, "Can you stop operating on this dude for a minute?" as you pretend to not be sickened by all the blood soaking into her surgical scrubs and dripping from the ceiling tiles.

If she doesn't understand what you're trying to convey, it's possible she's a little slow because, you know, women menstruate*** and it causes them to not get enough blood in their brains.

If she calls hospital security and insists that you should be escorted from the premises immediately and possibly ought to be charged with trespassing, try speaking slowly.  Really exaggerate the words with your mouth, like you're talking to a deaf person or a Mexican.  "Arrrrre!  Yoooooou!  Bizzzzzzz-ieeeeee!"  Point at her when you enunciate "you" and make other big gestures, but try not to knock any expensive-looking electronic equipment off any racks, because that stuff is hard to replace and is the reason healthcare is so expensive these days.

If she starts shouting at you, calling you a "fucking moron" and telling you to "get the hell" out of "her" surgery, remember that some girls are shy.  Try showing her how manly you are by lifting up something large in the room.  Probably not the patient, because he's got gross stuff sticking out of him right now.  Maybe one of those machines, but--again--not one of the expensive ones, because God only knows you probably can't pay for it on a telemarketer's commission.

5.  If she actually puts down her scalpel and starts talking to you--possibly very slowly, mirroring your own slowed-down conversation ("Are.  You.  Some.  Kind.  Of.  Goddamn.  Idiot?"), do what we call, "Acknowledging the Awkwardness" by quickly acknowledging the awkwardness, to demonstrate that you acknowledge that approaching a woman this way is pretty darn awkward.

For example:

You:  "Hi.  Wow.  Are you a doctor?"

Her:  "What the f--seriously?"

You:  "You have doctor pajamas on."

Her:  "Oh my God.  This is not happening."

You:  "This guy is full of guts.  Is everybody full of guts?"

Her:  "Where is that goddamn rent-a-cop?  Somebody call fucking 911.  Oh my God."

You:  "If you cut me open, would you see lots of guts?  That's weird.  Being full of guts, I mean.  I mean, I guess if bugs have guts, people have guts, right?  And I guess our guts are bigger.  Do dogs and cats have guts, too?  What about rocks?  I guess rocks probably don't have guts.  Or maybe they just have some guts, but they aren't all guts.  You're pretty.  Do you always wear that mask?  It makes you look like a bank robber.  Did this man rob a bank, is that why his guts are all over, because the cops had to shoot him--kapow!  Kapow!"

Her:  "Oh thank God, where the fuck were you guys?  Him.  Over there next to the EKG monitor.  Get him the hell out of here.  Right now."

You:  "Remember when I put my hand in front of your face and then sploosh! there was, like, blood all over, and I almost ralphed.  That was gross.  I kinda peed myself.  But only a little."

If it's clear that the people grabbing you by the arms and frog-marching you out of the building have Tasers, you probably shouldn't wriggle too much.  Remember that "Don't Tase me, Bro!" video on YouTube?  Yeah, that looked like it hurt, didn't it?  Owwie!

Common Mistakes That Guys Make When Approaching Women Who Are Performing Some Kind of Complicated Surgery:

1.  Knocking over an expensive piece of important medical equipment 

That stuff is totes expensive, dude.  And if you knocked it down and then plugged it back in wrong, I'll bet it could turn somebody into a Frankenstein, and that would be, like, bad, probably.

2.  Giving up too easily

She's probably wearing that mask because she's shy, not because she's ugly.  And I know that it's hard to tell when she's wearing doctor pajamas (or "scrubs") whether her breasts**** are Damn Fine or Just Okay, but I'm just going to let you in on a little secret and point out that doctors are always concerned about physical fitness and good diet and shit like that, so you know she's got to be fit under those jammies, right?  Plus she knows how to talk dirty in doctor-talk.  And she can hook you up with some good pills.

So you gotta work on it, okay.

3.  Not giving up easily enough

On the other hand, she's got a knife, dude.  And she probably learned how to do use it when she was at doctor school.  Maybe you ought to let this one pass and head back to Hooters.

I mean, come on: it's not like you were actually going to get laid.  Seriously?  You didn't think...? 


*These parts of the body are more commonly known as tits and pussies, but if you want to impress a woman who is also a doctor, you should probably get used to using the professional doctor words for tit and pussy, hence we will be using the proper doctor terms for them.

**This is the word a doctor will use instead of "cock".  Again, proper medical terms are important if you want to have a chance to put your penis near enough a vagina to prematurely ejaculate around it.

***You know, "go on the rag," "that time of the month," "me and the guys will be down at Hooters," but pro-doctor talk it's called "menstruation."

****See previous note about medical terminology.

Photo credit: By U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 3rd Class Joshua Valcarcel [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons


Warner Thursday, September 1, 2016 at 11:17:00 AM EDT  

Stop watching General Hospital

Eric Thursday, September 1, 2016 at 11:32:00 AM EDT  

Of course, this is a parody of a really terrible post that I'm not going to link to because it's probably gotten more traffic than it deserves. Of the point-and-laugh variety, but nevertheless.

Still, if you must know and you somehow missed it when it went viral, feel free to Google "How to Talk to a Woman Wearing Headphones." It's pretty awful, so don't say I didn't warn you.

Eric Monday, September 5, 2016 at 5:28:00 PM EDT  

Ursula Vernon is awesome, and if you haven't read Digger, you really should.

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